God it's been so long since I've been on here, never to have touched the Hive platform since it all switched over. I couldn't wrap my mind around it with everything that has been going on, and it's not just this whole Covid19 thing that we are all feeling, but it does play a part.
It's been a shit show. Home is not a good place to be right now and going by the title, you pretty much get a good glimpse of whats going on.
It is 3:22 am, I am unable to sleep. This couch has been my bed for some time now and I am grateful that it is comfy actually. Tonight I believe that I will be sleepless unless I can let out everything that is going on within me. And what better way than to write it out.
So..... Last month I have called it quits on my 10 year relationship with my husband. I just can't take it anymore. I can't. No, it's not because of the confinement laws, but it hasn't helped much either. It's been going downhill for years. It has come to a point where I now physically hurt, my chest, my back, has given me heart palpitations and even started getting sores in the back of my neck from the stress. I have to draw the line.
I have been living in anger, frustration, depression; it just really brought out the worst in me and I yearn to find myself again. And no matter how much I try to go back to myself, I come back home, to an area that drags this negativity out of me and drains me. I cannot be the best person but what hurts the most in this is my kids. I lost the capability to be the best person for them.
Oh man, this shit is hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And to top it off I had to say that I'm done more than once because dude couldnt figure it out.... And still doesn't. The first time I said it, in those words "I'm done", he looked at me, sitting there being quiet just for a moment. Then started talking away like I said nothing. A few days later he asks me if I was serious when I said it. With a lump in my throat, my chest tightening and tears welling up in my eyes, I couldn't come to say anything that gave confirmation. I wanted to but I lacked the strength.
The 2nd time we were arguing. It wasn't a heated argument, but I did draw my strength when he was ridiculing me. I had enough and I said it again. "I'm done! This is why I am done! I'm over this and I need it to stop." Same thing happened, couple days later he asked me once more if I was serious but this time brought the kids into play. Think about the kids, don't you think they are important in this? Don't give up on them.
Talk about total manipulation, making me feel bad for this whole thing. Don't you think I have already? I do every freaking day, it tears me apart to think of the multiple scenarios this could bring. Oh my God, like I could loose my kids because one day they might think it's better to live with dad, that they could hate me and blame me for everything. I know that is a strong possibility and the anger that will come of it is killing me and it hasn't happened yet! Im grieving that part already. But is it better for me to just swallow this pill, let the kids see how much this is destroying me and I can't handle a thing anymore and I really do become the worst mom ever because I can't take this anymore? In a life where mom has no voice, is disrespected, laughed at and can't do a thing without asking for permission?
They need to see, feel and be in a healthy environment. This is not it. Not right now.
So what now? He asked for counseling to try to make things work and no matter how much I tell him I don't believe that it will work because the trust is gone, he still pushes. So you know what, fine, let's do counseling. This is what will help me do the separation and get him to understand. He has never heard my words, he has never took my words seriously and has always questioned everything I said etc. I will be able to get help to break it off.
Well guess what! No fucking counseling! Called no answer, no call back. What a surprise! Because this whole damn planet is shut down! So now we go about our days in separate rooms, just like before. Good ol times eh? And then we argue, I defend myself and because I no longer have the capability to remain calm, I come out strong in order to make him shut up because I CANNOT tolerate anymore of it. My boundaries are surpassed. But then my son comes to me and says stop fighting, or else you guys will break up. He's 9. He sees it. I wish I could tell him how much I want to stop fighting, it is not in my nature to, I hate it and everything can be done in such a different way. But this relationship doesn't let it happen peacefully. I just want to hug my son and tell him things will be ok when this is all over and there will be no arguing it will only be healing.
Yes I talk to my kids. I asked them how they feel if certain things were to happen, I try to be as open as possible with them so that I too can help them in this process and they have proven to help me. Family. That is the very definition and the fact that my son comes to me when I am over stressing, tells me and hugs me, telling me that everything will be alright tells me that I am doing something right.
I am definitely drained from all this and I need to get out and live my life. It is very hard to face the outcome and is quite possibly the reason why I can't make the confirmations. Like, just dont ask me if I'm serious or if I am sure, just say ok and make it all happen.
I just gotta breathe through it all, face it and make it work. I had to get this off my chest, I really did. In an environment where my words are taken from me, this is one place where I can say what I need to freely.
