I feel deprived of love, I haven't had it in so long. I thought I could just cover it up with happy thoughts and affirmations, but it won't ease my pain. I thought I would be fine not being loved. I poured myself into my work, in an effort to forget the pain that I am feeling. All it did was numb my pain for a while, but it's still there.
I can't think of a time I was ever happy, I mean truly happy and not just masking a smile for appearances. Most people see me and think nothing of it, while others use my current apathy to take advantage of me. I walk through this planet carrying this hurt in my heart and no one around me sees it.
Am I not suppose to have what I want?
Is this what I am sent here for?
Why would I want to stay here?
Is this my punishment?
Am I already dead and I just don't know it?
Many questions run through my mind. I don't have an answer for myself.
There was a time, I wanted to just end it all. Unfortunately that will only put me in a time loop, and I will be forced to relive that pain over and over again. So the best thing to do is to keep going through life, seeing as that I can't just simply end it without consequences.
People often say "you have a lot to live for" but that's only because it benefits them, they will tell me anything to keep me here. I wish I could cry, but nothing comes out. I can't produce tears anymore, not when it comes to my own emotions or lack there of.
My empathy lays dormant, I always think about how good things would be if I wasn't here. If I could just disappear from this place. Seems like now the only thing I have to look forward to is my death.
There's no love here
There's no truth here
There's no peace here
I can't think of a time someone loved me and meant it, there are ALWAYS bad intentions behind everything people do to me. I don't feel human nor do I feel alive. I'm just here by force.
If I had the choice, I would have never came here.
There is nothing good about this place.
There is nothing good about these people.
So why bring me here?
All I get is orders and requests, not once have anyone spoken to me without wanting something.
I know these are just emotions but I figure I'll give you a peak at what I deal with ever since I was forced into this planet.
Nothing seems to scare me anymore, I guess maybe because I have nothing left for the world to take.
This place have taken everything from me, now I do for me
People find me selfish, only when I don't want to help them.
People find me inconsiderate, only when it contains them.
People find fault in me, only when they don't want to take the blame.
I don't feel the need to care about people or their feeling, maybe because after dealing with my life, I'm not sympathetic to anyone. No one seems to know what pain really is, I was forcibly born into it.