I was just meditating and the daughter of the host where I'm staying passed by singing. She remained nearby, tending to the chickens and ducks while filling the air with her tune.
It was so innocent and pure, two things that each day that passes in my life I experience less and less. This thought made me burst into tears, the idea that no matter how much I try, things aren't getting any better for me, I just keep becoming more corrupted and further from the spontaneous joy that one can experience as a child.
Imagen de Sasin Tipchai en Pixabay
It reminded me of my younger sister as well. When we were children we were very close and I was her protector. Everything she did would create this sensation of pure tenderness within me as she was such a small and frail creature. Now we bearly know each other and we've taken political stances in life that leave little common ground.
Ever since I begin to look within to find freedom everything has become increasingly messier. As I realized that every aspect of my personality was programmed by others and their interests, I begin burning most of the bridges that linked me to the people who had an influence in me, becoming very cautious as to who to allow into my life.
Sometimes I don't know how to keep existing. I mean, I don't believe in the world of adults, it's full of crap and everyone knows it but they keep going because of comfort and a sense of security. At the same time I can't be a child any more without sacrificing a lot of self-esteem. It's possible to be a child, like many of the people I met at the shelter for the homeless, but I suppose those are not the standards my inner child would feel comfortable in for a long term stay.
The money game is always complex too. There's periods when I'm convinced I should accumulate, but then it just takes one day of mr rebelion and fun to appear and say: "what are u saving all that for? Tomorrow u could be dead and u ain't taking that anywhere if that happens", and so I will go and spend freely focusing on enjoyment in the now instead of the future.
I believe that how you feel about things is the best guidance you can have in life but that's only partially so because at the end of the day, there's a part of me that craves to be a functional adult, and functional adults don't act based on their feelings but on responsability.
So this is the dance: responsibility and joy. Knowing how to balance both could lead to a good life, sounds true enough. However, would that set me free? Or would it just keep me playing it safe until an extremely old age due to such a healthy approach? The truth is, I want to be free, as free as a child.
You know what? Enough overthinking, there's moments for everything and nothing is permanent. I just thought because I had cried I had emotions to flow into a post but this went very mental, lol. Goodnight!!
