These last days I had felt uninspired to write. I kept thinking: "why even bother to write, if on the other side it's just God?" God writes the text, God reads the text, God votes the text, God comments the text, and the text just fades away in time to be covered by the soils of eternity.
I finally managed to put this into words:
You know what I mean. You know that you are writing the words and that you'll be reading them as well. You know that only you can make sense of them, and that it is you who shall determine the rewards I will get from giving you my fingers to organize them as you wish on this device.
You know that it is you who will comment the text you concocted, pretending to be others, with different personalities, only to fool me into thinking there is a separate reality.
I play your game because if I don't, nothing special happens. No flash of light and colorful mandalas opening portals to other dimensions where people live in true peace and harmony, where abundance is the base experience, whether you make an effort for it or not. No, if I don't play your game all that remains is the painful silence, only interrupted by the buzzing of a mosquito in my ear, biting everywhere it can before it's short life has ended.
Yes, you have given me the gift of meditation, and in that practice the struggle takes a rest, but tell me: why have you given me more desire than I can fulfill without betraying serenity?
Is it that you enjoy observing your creation wander blind through the mazes of the unseen? Why do you keep saying that you are me and I am you? I have trouble understanding why an omnipresent, omnipotent being would keep itself falling over and over into a state of struggle.
There's no way that you could be me, for if I were you, I would give myself everything I desired instantly. I would remove all fears, I would not allow myself to experience any sort of hunger.
Ok, so a little context. These are the typical thoughts that will come to my mind when I overdose myself with eastern spiritual culture, whether Buddhism, Hinduism, or Taoism, they all lead me to Nihilism in some way. But that is not because they are bad, rather it's that their words are such a nectar for a hungry Soul, that its very wisdom stays far from it.
Something all of these philosophies share is that non-attachment is a virtue we should work on. And that is the paradox, because since their words are so sweet, you become attached to them. You want to remain in the same state of "heightened awareness" you were experiencing while consuming these words. Yet, as soon as you face the trivial world again, they make no sense anymore. Things stop looking as divine and once again you can smell the bad smells and feel the ever present void of existence permeating everything.
Anyway, I came to this clearer conclusion after using for the first time an app called Journal, that helps you focus your writing towards gratitude. And I realized while writing there, that I had chosen a path in Nature which is the opposite of instantaneous. So when I wrote in the text above that I would give myself all I desire, I guess I was wrong. For some reason or another, my Soul requires to work with slow progress and patience. Perhaps this will help to heal from the anger and bitterness that have guided my actions from the shadows since I can remember.
Thank you.
