Today marks the anniversary of the first death I experienced in person, period. I've wanted to write about this so many times, but it was way to painful for so long. Even now, my heart is aching, but I am happy to say I am not crying. To me, that says that I am healing.
I realize that having animals, death is going to happen. But, I did not know how profoundly they would effect me. In the past when a pet or animal has died, I had miraculously been away and did not experience the actual tragedy.
*Note: This post will not be picture heavy - or maybe even have any images, because I did end up deleting many from my stores because of the profound sadness this event created in me. I have been avoiding FB memories for a few weeks now, just incase any images stayed around on FB... So now I am digging through FB trying to see if there's actually any images... No easy feat. - Oh good, I found a couple. ;) *
The scene: We were busy painting our living room out of boredom of being snowed in for a month, and trying to make our new house a home.
I get a call from my neighbor who raises Boar goats. He had a 4 day old bummer baby, which means his momma rejected him, and asked if I was interested in having it. I was so excited because a week earlier I had visited and met the adorable baby goats that had just been born. I got cleaned up, put on boots, talked to husband about it all and we decided that this would be a great opportunity for us to add a livestock! What luck! And boy were they cute.
Excitedly, we trudge down the snow to the neighbors across the highway. I am so gosh darn excited. I had a name picked out already, I wanted to name him Maynard. The neighbor thought this was hilarious because it was his sibling's nickname. As it turns out, the name didn't stick and we actually named this baby Monroe.
Then things started to get dicey. He got scours among other things like lice! We ended up taking him to the vet a few times a week and spent tons of money on this little guy. The vet helped us as much as they possibly could. Some days with little Monroe were so amazing. We built him a little "goaty area" out of cardboard boxes and he would jump all over them, knock down paper towel tubes and have a grand ol' goaty time.
Other days, he was just sick, lethargic, and sometimes bloaty. I thought I had taken care of everything with him by getting him to the vet and getting things that he must've needed at the time. Sometimes he would collapse in place and my heart would sink. I had a feeling when I first got him that he may die, so I thought I had my wits about me. We probably took this poor thing to the vet about 10 times.
When I got home, he was even worse off. I did all the things the vet suggested. He was laying in a corner and had pooped himself and while he was trying to drink water, he mostly just nodded off into the bowl. My stomach was in knots. I had nothing else up my sleeve for him. We tried forcing him to drink his milk and taking medicine from the vet, but it did not help at all.
It came to the time where he just had to be held. The passing of creatures is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I wanted to call the vet to get him to come out and put him to sleep, but I knew he was on his way out. I think the worst thing about his passing was that when his organs were shutting down, he might yell or convulse. There really was nothing I could do to help him pass. So I sat there on the ground, with him in my lap to make sure that he knew he was loved. I was crying so hard the whole time. I felt that this was what I was supposed to do for him.
After he passed, it was very hard to accept that he had actually died. I kept asking husband if he was sure he was dead. It was surreal. I couldn't believe that it all just happened. We gingerly placed him in a box with his warm waterbottle and a blankey. It was after 9pm when he passed and thankfully the ground wasn't too frozen at the time and Husband was able to burry him that night. He is under a tree in the field.
I can't help but feel like I failed him. He loved me so much, he followed me around all the time, called for me, and the works. People have told me that I did more than most, and in my heart I know that I did. It is so hard because I had imagined him as a grown goat, being so friendly and loving, and it turned out that it didn't happen.
Some positive things about him were that he made everyone smile that he encountered. He was always so excited to see and meet people and my dog loved him. He brought a light to everyone. Some people came to my work just to see him. I only had him for a short two and a half weeks, but because he was so much work it felt like a long time. It had such an impact on my life.
After this happened, I went into a pretty deep depression. I cried so much, so often, and I was completely useless. I am crying now. I cannot believe that having something for such a short period of time, and losing them, has had such an impact on my emotional stability. A year later, I am still not stable and deal with thinking of this huge failure quite often.
Thankfully with my chickens I have not been this emotionally attached if one passes. I cannot tell you how much a relief that is. I cannot tell you if I ever will have furry livestock again, like another goat, but at the moment, I can't even fathom it. I have no idea how I will react when another one of my furry pets passes but I hope to goodness that it is not like this again.
I know that this sort of thing is just a part of the homesteading life, it is probably one of the most difficult. I do apologize for the poor organization of this post. I know that every time I talk about this event, my heart heals just a tiny bit more. I just needed to get it out there, because I had been wanting to write on it for such a long time.
The vet ended up saying that he was basically a failure to thrive. He had so many parasites in his body and he may not have had enough colostrum. The neighbor said he had never had something like that happen before. Little Mo was just too good for this world, I guess. I hope is spirit is somewhere , frolicking along in a field somewhere, making someone else smile and laugh. I don't really believe in more after death, but if there is - I hope to goodness that I get to see this little guy again.
@rhondak, she runs a much needed and severely underfunded Dog Rescue in the Appalachian Mountains. She uses the funds she earns on Steemit to save lives.As always 
Photos by me using my iPhone 8+, unless stated otherwise!
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