Warm evening to each and everyone, a friendly reminder, Please always be safe. So in this blog I am going to answer this five questions about heartbreak/ pain based on my personal lovelife experience.
Definitely, I've been in a toxic relationship for almost 3 years. A relationship with lesbian. I met her during our 11th grade, we are classmates. Our relationship was happy at first, our classmate supported us, even our teachers and families. She was so concern to me and never allowed me to wear shorts or sexy uncovered tops, not even allowed me to go somewhere else without her. I was so okay with that rules, because somehow I feel that she is cares and protective to me. I never expected that things will go change after a year. She cheated, but then appology accepted. She lied and promised that she will never do the same thing, and I trusted her, again. Another year had past, I realized that things never change but got even worse. The more I forgive, the more pain I received, and I am totally a crazy person letting myself get hurt with the same reason and to think that our relationship will work still and she will be change as she promised. The next year, was full of tears and pain. Many have changed. She don't communicate first, and when I am mad or jealous, she will get mad too, we fight a lot and we don't communicate not until I send her message first, and she always wants a break up. I feel her being cold, but still I was there with her because we both promise that we will never leave our each other till the end.
Yeah, after all what happened I beg her to stay with me telling that a 1% of love is enough to me. I made myself look so awful and broken because I was so afraid of loosing her. She was my life that time, and I am afraid that if our relationship ends, my happiness ends too. I beg her with my knees and force her not to leave me for many times, whenever she wants break up, I beg her crying, and full of pain. Even after I beg her, she remains the same. Cold and unreachable person.
I do, I did please her for so many times, hoping and wishing that she could also love me the way I loved her. I please her and said that I will be okay even though she won't communicate to me as long as I know that she is still mine. I love her so much more than I love myself because I was hoping that she will love me more than I loved her in return.
Yeah, this one was the worst. Because of the unending pain that I feel, I became so clueless and out of myself. I attempted to kill myself because I never had the love that I've always wanted to have, and the person that I love. After so much of begging, still she chose to live me, and that was the time where I feel so lonely, unlucky, useless, and so on. I was about to kill myself in my room that night, when I realized this is not the solution, maybe I should try again, and maybe this time she will love me again. Begging and pleasing was my most favorite thing to do with her on our relationship, I was the one who keeps on holding while she on her side keeps hurting me. I don't know why, but all I know that time is that I cannot libe without her, maybe because I get so comfortable with her. I was so out of my mind that time and think that kills myself would be the answer, thinking that If I'm gone, she will miss me and realized all the thing I did.
Yes, the last few months on our last year, I suddenly became tired. I look in the mirror looking on my own image crying and asking for my worth. Do I deserve this? Because of the love that I always fight, I forget to love myself and the worth that I deserved. I remember that this is not a woman thing, begging and pleasing is not my thing because I am the girl here. I realized that I don't have to do this anymore to someone who don't really love me. I am very much disappointed to myself because I forget that there was I who's hurting, that the girl I was before was so different than the girl in the mirror. The moment I get tired, I just let her do her thing, and finally I granted her wish to end her relationship with me. I don't know how but all i know is that I am tired. Days had past, she came to me and say sorry for everything, she said that she realized all the bad things she did just to get rid of me, and that she cannot live without me. I cried and say sorry to her, because now that she realized, I am no longer after her love. I said that I already set her free, and I am now in the stage of moving on and trying to get back the old me. Now she's the one begging and pleasing me, all I did was cry because I know the feeling. But one thing I know is that I am tired and I ended our relationship.
I was so sorry to the girl I was before, begging and pleasing someone not to leave me, never again will I beg someone to stay and never again will I forget myself worth. Now I am presently happy with my current relationship, with self worth and 50/50 of love.
