People fear cockroaches, snakes, or things like those. Whilst, I find them funny or rather cute! People adore attention and unintended affection but I find them very very terrifying!
I end up loosing those precious persons at some point on the road out of this fear.
If there is any shortcomings, then this is it for me. I often failed to properly convey my emotions in words, or sometimes in actions as well. Not that I am nonchalant about the entire issue. It is just I cannot. Though to me I feel like I did my best. But then again if I did, things would have been different, right! I just one day realize when I turn back, that I have lost them in the way at some point.
The major affliction and annoyingly contradicting part is, it does not ensue once or twice! It has become so usual that I have almost become accustomed with this fluctuating emotions. Yes, almost...not cent percent yet regardless the uncountable times it has been relapsed.
And sadly enough only then, as inevitable as it is, I miss their presence so much that it hurts. When it happens once, twice... and so on, it does live a place for pondering thyself for what to do. All I can think of is "Do not receive any affection in the first place".
And as convertible fact, all relationships build some mutual expectations. And being subtle while not being able to meet the expectations is another agony. It wrack your inside like a storm living you unable to think or act properly. Eventually, my awkward helplessness is only replied with silence and coldness. And thou previously crumbled self only breaks into more of the new pieces.
I wish I could show them in literal how it means to live my life while putting up with all of those promises.
I wish could be a good liar and more fluent with my loved ones.
I wish I could be more perceivable and comprehensible as I am with the outer world.
I wish they would notice my ups and downs of my vocal cord, the harmony of my tone, the desperation behind the words.
All the contents are mine, until it's mentioned.
