Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Intermission No. 4 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54Part 55 Part 56 Part 57 Part 58 Part 59 Part 60 Intermission No. 5 Part 61 Part 62 Part 63 Part 64 Part 65 Part 66 Part 67 Part 68 Part 69 Part 70 Part 71 Part 72
I knew the possibility of my vision (as I once told Quinn) of experiencing love for the sake of love existed, but I hadn’t been anywhere near free enough to truly consider it as a tangible possibility.
I had been living instead a commercialized fantasy lie about relationships.
I had been in hopes of a love that would make me feel secure, instead of being secure within myself.
I had wanted him to be my other half and fulfill my dreams about him being “the one”!
Though I didn’t really want or expect him to commit to me, I did want him to WANT to commit to me, simply because he loved me that much.
I had wanted him to be my knight in shining amour to rescue me and whisk me away from this mundane world.
Want-Want-Want! So many things I had been wanting from him. No longer were any of those things available to me, not even in my mind. It was time to face the reality that our relationship had made a huge shift, that I was responsible for my part in that, and that I had new choices to make.
I calmed way down after my crazy explosion, and took responsibility for myself. Quinn was right--again!!! I began to see there were even deeper, before unseen levels to this whole experience, and way more than my conditioned mind and heart had grasped. The veil I had been holding up so thickly began to evaporate as I gratefully released my stance of victimhood and found it within myself to see another perspective. I became so much lighter, less burdened, less trapped, and more free from the tight bands that had kept me all wadded up inside.
Quinn apologized to me for the part he played in the unfolding of things. Even though I let go of blaming him, I was super grateful for his acknowledgement, confirming we were in this together even as we had drifted apart.
I began to see that if I truly loved him, unconditionally, that I wouldn’t want to limit him, control him, or try to get him to be anyone other than who he truly was. I acknowledged that what he wanted for his own divine life was totally valid, and that blessing him was all there was to do.
I had no right to judge him, to determine what path would be better for him to take, or to try to make him feel guilty for following his heart to explore the depths of love.
He was on the trajectory of being a daddy to his first child, which I knew was no coincidence, and likely a grand blessing to the world.
I decided to stand in love and find it within myself to love him regardless of the enormous pain I was feeling in my shattered heart. I decided to love every minute of being with him, especially if these were possibly, and highly likely, the last moments we would ever spend together. I decided to focus on living now, and immerse myself as if there was nothing else in the world that mattered.
I respected his choices. I admired the way he loved so much. I was grateful for everything we had shared, including the intensity of these days of fear and discomfort together. I appreciated his responsibility and apology for the way things played out. I was grateful and somewhat relieved to be taking back responsibility for my own happiness, and even my own unhappiness. I still felt extremely jealous of the energy he gave to her through their evening internet chats. I still wanted to touch him every minute of the day. I still felt our connection. I still loved him….perhaps now more than ever!
If I had continued to blame Quinn, I likely would have experienced a long bout of being a victim, likely even carrying that disempowerment into other aspects of my life--including any future relationship I might have. Instead, I took responsibility - which also allowed me to receive his apology - and allowed me to let go of control of how he engaged his own happiness. Both of us being responsible for our own selves put us on a more even keel, knocked down some walls, and opened up the space for greater communication, a more connected and genuine exchange in all ways, and amplified my love for him and for myself.
I never before realized how much pressure and energy it took to be in resistance while trying to get someone else to take the blame for my reality. I never knew the power of personal responsibility to this degree. Even with all this pain I knew that though a door had closed, a window had opened. I could see some things I had never seen before. Though this was just the beginning of a difficult journey, I was still exceedingly grateful to feel so much, and to continue to love even in these worst of times.
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