Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. Carl Jung
This past weekend was tough for my journey. It has been a long time, since I have questioned my actions almost to the point of anxiety. I was unhappy with conversations I had during the week and kept drilling myself on things I could've said different.
This kind of thinking doesn't happen often, and I can usually snap out of it really fast by talking myself out of the whirlwind of thoughts.
But the weekend was different...
It almost felt like I was using empath abilities and was chanelling somebody else. At first I thought it was somebody in my household, then I try to pin it to somebody else, until I finally said: what if the thoughts are mine? Is my higher self trying to tell me what are my patterns and what is my ego's plan of destruction?
It kind of make sense. While I am a big proponent of stop assuming, I fall in the assuming pit quite often. I broke down the thoughts trying to figure out what was the part that was making me unhappy about the conversations. In one of them, I was assuming the other party was going to misunderstand my intention, making me sound like a pompous a-hole. Thinking about it objectively, she is the sweetest soul, and my advice came from my heart. So, I stop that thought right there and then and told my ego to shut up. There was nothing wrong with that interaction.
Then came the thought of feeling bad because I get opportunities that others don't get. While I know they are happy for me, I can't help by torture myself on trying to figure out ways to help them. That thought was harder to deal with. I have to understand everybody has a different journey and the universe can also take care of them.
When the chatter in my head takes over, its usually to tell me people will misunderstand my intentions. And the chatter turns into fear of people misjudging me. But like this article by Rok Sivante stated:
We may not be comfortable facing the ways we've allowed ourselves to be so easily pushed around emotionally, yet it is these experiences that contain the seeds of opportunity to learn the most important lessons about who we are and how to become empowered by living aligned with truth & wisdom.
Part of my programming is fear of rejection, and before I am rejected, I reject. I have been in this constant pattern for decades! But like the article also points out, the fear comes from believing other people judgement is correct.
At this point of my journey, I don't believe I am what my ego wants me to think I am. I know my ego is just trying to protect me from getting hurt, but ego, hear me out: I don't need protection in this specific scenario anymore. Maybe I did a few times in the past, but not anymore.
I still have fear to be rejected. But I can be aware of when the feeling starts to take over and be able to shut the signal down. I can figure out my feelings and learn from the experience. And if I truly offend somebody, I will let them to know that was not my intention. Awareness is definitely key in the process.
So, I can finally say I am thankful for having a shitty weekend. Even though it didn't feel like it at the time, I will not be able to understand this pattern if it wasn't for the recurrent state and the new awareness.
