"Don't eat."
She whispers in my ear, over and over again. It sends a tingle down my spine.
"Love, my love, don't eat."
Her whispers become louder, until she's screaming at me. I can't move. I can't get away. I am trapped in my own body. Why can't I move? Why? I look down.
Where are the ropes? Where are the bondages? Nothing is holding me down. Help. Help.
"Why the FUCK would you ruin yourself?! After all this hard work?! Look at you! LOOK AT YOU! Look what you have become; a worthless piece of shit. You've let six years of hard work go to waste."
My arms are heavy. My mind wants to flee but my feet won't let me. Help. Help me. Why can't I speak? Help.
My stomach twists. My heart starts to race. I feel the attack coming before it hits. No. No. Not now, not here of all places. It was just supposed to be a dinner. It was just supposed to be a family dinner. Just pick up the fork. Just pick up the damn fork. My breathing starts to quicken. My vision starts to tunnel out of control.
"Oh, my sweet, poor, darling. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I just want you to be perfect. That's all. I love you."
No. I can't go through with this again. It will kill me. She will kill me this time.
"Oh, Love, your hunger will pass. All of this will pass. Remember? It was easy. Suck on some ice, you liked that, remember? And water is just so healthy for you. If you need to, you can put a small bite in your mouth but you have to remember to spit it out. You just want the taste. Not the calories. Remember how bad they are? Remember?"
I do remember. I can't not remember.
I also remember the cold. The shaking. The bald spots. The pain.
"Remember when we had so much fun together? We don't need anyone else. I've got your, darling, I'm the only one who can help get you where you need to be. You can't get rid of me, sweetheart. You couldn't live without me."
Of course I can't live without her. How could you not live without yourself?
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