Well, it’s another Saturday. Greg is working in Chunghua today so I’m watching Jay. He has just fallen asleep in his stroller so I thought I’d take the opportunity to write although I’m not sure how much I’ll get through right now because he keeps twitching and I keep thinking he is going to wake up. He really doesn’t like sleeping on his own. He likes to be held or to feel someone next to him.
Annie has a lot going on the next few Sundays (which is the day we usually see each other) so we are meeting up for dinner tonight instead which should be nice. I just hope I can get myself and Jay ready by the time Greg gets home from work. Last time we were also supposed to go out and by the time he got back I was still in my sweatpants (it was one of those days). He can wear casual clothes on a Saturday so he was all ready, but I looked well, let’s just say “less than ready”.
I don’t want to jinx things (as I did about a month ago), but things are slowly getting better on the morning sickness front. I’ve gagged a few times this week and almost vomited, but the fact that I haven’t actually is a huge step forward. I still struggle in the morning and at night, but it’s something I can handle. I also find that I’m at the point where during the day I’m able to keep the nausea at bay by eating something small. It’s strange, but I’ll just get this “feeling” like if I don’t eat something RIGHT NOW, I’m going to get nauseas and vomit, like I can feel the nausea nipping at my heels or something. The trick is not leaving it too long or ignoring it. Even at work, I make sure I eat something between each class or I know I’m in for a bad night. Before, when it was really bad I would force myself to eat something because I knew if I didn’t the nausea and vomiting would be so much worse, but each bite was like swallowing a small stone. Now, eating isn’t so difficult and at times I even enjoy it. I don’t find it this huge task to “get something down” anymore.
I can’t remember when that book “Expecting Adam” arrived (maybe Monday), but I finished it on Friday morning. Thank you so much for sending it to me. What a beautiful book! I cried so much while reading it that I couldn’t risk taking it anywhere with me in case I turned into a blubbering mess in public. I understand why she reminded you of me. I’m definitely not as smart and couldn’t hope to write like that if I tried, but what she has been through…wow. And just the associations with Asia and even other small things. Of course, reading about her son and how amazing he is made me cry each time, but the part that really struck home was reading about her morning sickness because although I think she had it worse than I did (in terms of it lasting so long, the fainting and having her husband be away so often), how she felt was EXACTLY the way I felt. And when you read it it’s just so emotional because it’s like someone else truly understands. The “death spiral” she spoke of was exactly what I’d been trying to articulate to you before about how terrifying it is when you start to vomit and realize that you’ve gone beyond a certain “point”, that it is impossible for your body to take in food or liquid on its own and that you are spiraling downward into a deep dark pit of never-ending nausea and vomiting. The only way out is an IV or once (after the whole horrible doctor incident) I forced myself to just stay home and even though I felt trapped in the “death spiral” and puked about 15 times from that evening till the next morning, at one point I was so exhausted that I took a few sips of water and fell into a deep feverish sleep straight away. When I woke up I shoved a tiny piece of cookie into my mouth that was one of the hardest things to swallow and somehow managed not to puke. I was still as nauseas as anything, but keeping that small piece down was the very first step out of it. Her feelings about IVs I totally understood too. You start to look forward to that needle prick because you know it’s going to bring nutrients directly to your tissues, that you can lie back, take them in and best of all – not worry about trying to eat or drink anything. Plus, her associations with things. There are websites I still struggle to go to because I start to feel nauseas when I see them, certain smells and foods are the same and what she said about a certain food “working” on one day and then not working the next because you associate it with vomiting, is so, so true. I’d constantly need Greg to find me something “new” and “untainted” by my nausea. Oh, and of course the helpful souls who tell you that they know “exactly” what you’re going through and all you need to do is “xyz” and how hard it is to smile and say thank you, that you’ll try it (when meanwhile you’ve tried every known “remedy” out there and nothing works) and all you really want to do is burst into tears or at least smack them upside the head and yell that they have absolutely no clue what hell you are living in right now.
The way I cope with the morning nausea now is that I get out of bed quickly (before Jay wakes up) and make myself a cup of tea (I’m drinking tea again and really enjoying it) and put a quarter muffin in the microwave. Then I rush back to bed and eat and drink there and slowly the nausea subsides (well, usually). Annie bought me these big muffins from Costco so that’s why I cut them up. I just need something small in my stomach and making something is too difficult when I feel bad. I need something I can just warm up in the microwave and be done with. So far it’s really doing the trick.
Anyway, enough about that. I seem to be getting better now and at least I know that I never ever have to worry about feeling that way again. I’m even thinking of asking if there is something he can do while I’m having my c-section – you know, like a 2-in-1 deal. Baby plus tying the tubes or something. At first I only wanted Greg to get “done”, but I’m so adamant about not having anymore kids and never going through this again that I want to take definite steps for myself. Seriously, if I found out about a third one the way we found out about this one, I’m not kidding when I say I’d want to kill myself rather than go through this again. There is nothing like it in the whole world.
Well, Jay still seems to be out. Woohoo! I take my breaks when I can get them. I feel so busy at the moment. Now that I have class on a Thursday I really have no free time to do anything anymore. When I get back from work, it’s time to take over from Stella and, as I mentioned last week, Jay really is at the stage where you can’t leave him alone for a minute. On Monday he started crawling for real – hands and knees style and if I thought he was fast before, well you should see him go now! Plus, he is determined to stand up all the time and doesn’t seem to care how stable or unstable the thing is that he uses to pull himself up on. Even the wall will do and he has had a number of falls this week. Just yesterday he was standing at the foot of our bed. Greg and I were both there. We have that long white cupboard-thing and we lift the lid so he can’t fall off the bed on any side. I never liked that thing, though, because it has a sharp edge and seemed to me like an accident waiting to happen. Well, an accident did happen. He fell down and I thought I’d caught him in time, but when I looked at his face there was blood. Blood really freaks me out and I get all panicky. It was coming from his mouth, but it wasn’t his lip and we couldn’t see where it actually came from. We washed it out and then he seemed fine and drank his bottle without seeming to be in any pain. It hasn’t bled again either so I think he is fine, but I got a fright. Now we fold the duvet and hang it over (I don’t know why we never thought of doing that before! It seems so obvious now). It gave me a horrible fright, though, and made me realize again how hard it is to be a mother. I look at him and think of how perfect he is. I don’t want anything to happen to him. I don’t want him to get one scratch on his little body and yet such is life. You can’t protect them from everything or they’d never do anything. And babies are so determined. I mean straight after the incident the little guy went straight back to the scene of the crime and tried standing up there again! It’s hard because you look at this tiny precious little being and you want to protect them forever, wrap them in cotton wool, but you can’t. You have to just trust that God will protect them and just do the best you can.
I spoke too soon. The patoot has awoken (that’s his nickname by the way – “cute patoot”, often shortened to simply “patoot”). I popped him in his jumperoo so I could finish the paragraph, but now it’s time for him to eat something solid so let me be off for a while and hopefully I’ll get to return before the day is done.
Okay, back for a while. He has eaten some cereal and is now whizzing around in his walker. That means I get to write exactly one sentence at a time before I have to go check on him and the destruction he is causing. He waved for the first time the other day and he has only done it once since then. It’s not a real wave – he looks like a puppet shaking his little arm up and down, but it’s awfully cute. He also may have said his first word today, although I want to see if it happens again later to be sure. When we woke up this morning, Greg was chatting to him and he looked right at Greg and said “Dada”. He has been saying it for a while, but it’s all just been at random times and often it’s more like “da da da da da da” or “ma ma ma ma ma ma” and not quite the word you’re looking for. This was the first time he said it using just two “da”s so this might just be it! So exciting. I must just say he has the most gorgeous smile. I can’t often capture it in photographs, but it lights up an entire room. Honestly, he is beautiful and he loves it when you play with him and tease him, giving out these great big belly laughs.
In the mornings when we wake up I let him stand by the railing on Greg’s side of the bed. Greg has removed all the precious items except for the lamp and instead has filled the area and drawer with toys to keep him busy. Well, Jay immediately sets about clearing the entire area and is not satisfied until every single toy and even the lamp is lying on the floor. He also insists on clearing the drawer and gets quite upset when he can’t reach the items right at the far end. It is impossible to keep him in his stroller or high chair for long periods. He twists his body all around and tries to stand up. I’ve ended up resorting to feeding him in his walker because even though I have to chase him for each bite, at least I know he is safe.
So, we STILL don’t know what the baby’s sex is. Every week the doctor tries his best to look, but the baby’s legs are firmly shut and it’s always in the breech position which makes it harder for him to see. This week he said the baby was fine, but that the placenta oedema was still there and so this time we’re trying antibiotics to see if they’ll help. I asked him what causes it and he said usually it’s an infection, but that sometimes it “just happens” and there isn’t a real reason. As I said before, he doesn’t seem too worried about it which does give me comfort. I also got my test results back for down’s syndrome, spina bifida and Trisomy 18 which is that really awful one where the baby is so deformed it usually dies in utero or a few hours after birth. Well, I was so happy that my results were 1:9531, 1:10000 and 1:10000 respectively which he said was extremely low risk. I remember with Jay it was 1:5500 or something like that so with this one it seems the odds of there being anything wrong are even lower which is wonderful news. He took my blood pressure (115/65 which is quite low for me), but I am having heart palpitations. At rest my heart was beating 101 beats per minute which is really high. Now I’m on iron pills again to help with it. I know that before my iron levels were normal, but that was before the morning sickness really kicked in so I don’t think I’ve been eating enough iron and protein. I’m trying to make a concerted effort to do so now. Also, with the baby getting bigger the amount of blood my body is pumping has doubled so that means my heart is having to work harder now. I had known something was up because a few times I’d had this really awful feeling just come over me, like I had no energy and like I couldn’t breathe. I’d breathe as deeply as possible, but it wouldn’t feel like I was getting enough oxygen. It would even feel like talking was too much energy and I’d have to sit down for a while before I felt better. It hasn’t happened again since I’ve started the iron so I’m pretty sure that was the cause.
Okay, let me be off. I did stop for a while to feed Jay again and give him his bottle. He fell asleep and is now sleeping on a thick blanket on the floor in his room between two pillows to make him think I’m there next to him. Don’t think he’ll buy it for too long, though, so I’d better get moving or I’ll never get out of my PJ’s.
Lots of love
Em x
(snippets from March 2010)
