That means he did love her. What's wrong with your eyes? Haven't you been sleeping well? I asked. He said he couldn't sleep. For some nights, sleep eludes him. I went away for a few days, and when I returned, I heard him mutter the same complaints to himself. I smiled.
I know this scenario, it's a familiar one to me. I know what it means to love someone, for many years, building your future around them, subconsciously and consciously. Only to wake up one morning,and they say it's over.
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It takes sleep away. You will feel you weren't enough. The thoughts of finding them in the arms of another, happy, without you in the picture can hurt like hell.
It gets crazier if a lot of things remind you of them, after all, you made sure they were a part of everything. Your friends, your family, secrets, strengths, weakness, tears, despair, happiness, everything, they shared everything.
It will hurt more if they supported you in everything. Your dreams, aspirations, the crazy ones, the lousy ones, the realistic ones, etc. Everything.
What about the bond? The fact that you were so familiar with each other, you can afford to walk around the room naked. What about the familiar feeling that they belong to you, no matter what. Knowing that they love you even with all your shortcomings is another experience on its own. You can confidently wave anyone out because you are sure of their love for you.
Thinking about these things can take away the ability to sleep. Sleep is a no-no for you because all you see are nightmares. Nightmares that bring to your subconscious everything they said to you in bitterness, the day they said it's over. Nightmares that try to go back in time, so you can act differently, respond differently, Maybe, to soothe your ego or make them stay. Nightmares.
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Wait, if he loved her this much, why did he let her go? Someone once told me, "If you love someone, let them go, if they come back, they loved you, if they don't, they didn't love you". This is so overrated, isn't it? Why should go let someone I desperately want to keep go?
He has his stupid side, and I hate him so much for it, but, she loved him, still. She stayed. Time and time again, I wanted to reach out and tell her, stop being so foolish, and then, wave it off with, "She loves him, that's the important thing".
Marriage? Done with school? And so what? Why should you give me the excuse that you are letting her go because right now, you are not ready to settle down? That you haven't made enough money to take care of her or the children you both will conceive. It makes me want to puke.
Is it finances? I know her well enough to know that she is frugal with her spending. If there is someone that needs to be caned for overspending, it's you, not her. She isn't materialistic. Everyone loves good things, but wasn't she willing to stay until the good things come? I am sure she was. I do not need a seer to know she would. What the hell is wrong with you then?
How could let an excuse as stupid as marriage make you let the one person in the world who supports you all-around go? Who are the ones advising you?
At least I have known a little about money to know that if you let 10% of everything you earn in a month stay away from being spent, you will have the exact amount you earn in a month, in 10 months. You can go ahead and invest that amount, let it work for you. If the 10% is taking too long to grow, all you have to do is increase your capacity to earn. Ask for a promotion in your workplace. Ask for a raise. Create a side business. Learn a new skill. Anything. Just about anything will suffice as long as it increases your earning potential.
C'mon, I know you are wiser than this. She is slipping away. If you love her so much, don't let her go. Build together just as you guys have always done over the years.
