How the human mind can be filled with a thousand things, yet still end up feeling as empty as a barren land is still something I cannot comprehend. I face this catastrophic condition almost every day in my life, and all it ever does is leave me feeling depressed and exhausted even though most days, I don't really do much outside of my mundane routine.
With life changing drastically in front of my eyes, I know this is not the time for me to just sit back and let the tide wash over, yet it is what I keep on doing anyway, repeating history every time.
I'm a person who, without a doubt, lacks commitment. It took me 25 years of my existence to finally understand that, and the realisation has been nothing but depressing. I rarely finish what I started, and I get demotivated and uninterested as soon as things begin to take a turn for the better. I've run away from small chances of miracles and life-changing opportunities more than a handful of times because of these two reasons, and I'm not really proud of it.
The act of standing ground and seeing things through are not part of my personality, it seems. I guess I can sort of blame my ADHD for this momentary illusion of interest and attention, but even then, I know it's all me. I'm not the person with an iron will, nor will I ever be.
It's these running and leaving that I do which has now left me drowning in this sea of unfulfillment. It is of my creation, this cursed body of dismay, and it might just be something that causes my destruction as well. I'm not trying to sound overly dramatic for the sake of it, but I do feel the hole inside my soul growing bigger and bigger with each day passing by, and no matter how much I try to patch it up and glue it together, to cover it up and hide it away, nothing really holds.
In my darkest of hours, I sometimes end up thinking that some of us might never be destined to taste the stars. After all, not everyone can be an achiever. And I might just not be cut out to be one either.
The thought, surprisingly, adds a sense of relief, cursing through my vein. At the same time, it also turns my heart into stone. It's the allure of ease that gets to me. The thought of not running to be someone and the idea of just letting things go and being as I am, makes me yearn. Yet I don't dare to go near it. As this ease comes with the price of killing my dreams off in return.
I guess what this massive mess of a ramble I've written out today is to express that I still want to keep on dreaming, even if most of them may never come true. I want to try to be an achiever, want to try and fail, and even run away, again and again, over and over, until I get bored of running too, and finally decide to stand my ground, and for once in my life, force myself to see things through.