Youth is dead
Dark days ahead
I'm not the gentleman I expected to be.
What was my childhood
But a blink
On the brink of eternity
The doors I crossed
The baths I took
Cleansed only in flesh
But never to maturity
I stared at wrinkled hands
Imagining the old man
I would some day grow to be.
Now I have arrived
In this day in time
An empty mime
Complex yet only shallow
The trees of my memory hollow
Branches crashed down
I never gained the crown
Of gray
Or the gnarled hands
My young mind would say
The ticking sands
Of time would bring me.
Where is that fellow?
The one who said hello
In the mirror long ago
Through squinted eyes
Blurring in shadow
An illusion of future me
Imagined but not reality
He never came
Replaced by the tame
Balding silent man
Saying his goodbyes
To what he truly thought he'd see.
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I hate being in this funk. I'm exhausted. I don't sleep enough. I don't rest at all, much less recreate. It's just day after day after day of the same patterns. I wish I could say I have a goal to work towards or even something to look forward to, but no. I am stuck.
Fear is probably the biggest anchor dragging me into the depths. I don't know how to own my free self. I am free but I don't know if I fully grasp that freedom. What does it mean to be free when others have claim to you? I fear dropping the ball, because I have dropped so many already. I am not what I wanted to become. I don't know if it's even possible to be that person, Time can't be rewound to erase the consequences of choices.
I can only seek to salvage the debris of my life from complete annihilation.
Camera: Samsung Maxima G80 Zoom XL
Film: Arista Edu 400
Developed in Caffenol as always
—————--------------------—————
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