Why is it that I feel I'd be better suited to a world collapsed, more destitute and barren than the one I find myself in today? Could it be that this is a rather immature way of looking at things, completely lacking in an understanding/experience of the reality I would deem better? Is it a case of "be careful what you wish for"? Is it that I'm so pathetically lost to this world that I would prefer it to burn? I have to acknowledge that in all likelihood, what I'm about to write is utterly biased and more of a validation in my unwillingness to accept the fact that I'm simply a bum.
So..! My perception of reality tells me that almost everything around me is a charade. I believe this down to the bone. This gives the impression of my persona almost being jaundiced, if that were possible, because I fail to really buy into anything. What I mean to say by that is that people will avoid and naturally reject someone who is off-colour or sick, but perhaps not only reject but despise someone who has abandoned the adopted, common stance on life. I've given up on the wish to believe in any of the concepts/constructs which are advertised as being the accepted norm, and for the most part I'm content to accept that the consequence for such is isolation. A disillusioned malcontent I am.
The risk in taking this stance is that it's possible to fall into the category of someone who is so for the purpose of image/identity. The antihero? I certainly see this in others to a certain degree, rebellious and defiant, an individual who places themselves up on a pedestal above the rest. This is the conflict I have within myself daily, but I don't think I am this way because that sort of person still wants to be accepted or perhaps considered a rare commodity of sorts. They wish to be a niche market where I simply want to go my own way off the beaten path. Still though, why write this at all in a public space?
Going back to that perceived charade, in my mind this would include family life, marriage, divorce, a majority of social interaction, work life, supermarkets, religion, the concept of western civilisation, education, social justice, what it is to be "civilised", the monetary system, industrialisation.. I mean to say basically everything. What I don't understand is that when people watch movies like The Hunger Games, do they not realise they are living in that world and they are the upper-class? Those pompous, overprivileged wank stains they look at with derision are actually them! I don't feel above that.. I'm part of that upper-echelon. We are the 1%, but don't consider ourselves that way because we're judging the 1% of the 1%. With any dystopian storyline.. if we're to overlay that onto our current reality, we are the blind, obedient masses that exist at the expense of a majority. Hence the self-loathing coupled with my distrust of the convictions of those around me.
It all just seems so surreal. We have this surplus of food, an abundance of shelter/safety, securely detached from reality (for now). I consider this a bad thing. For most of human history it has not been this way. It's surely good to have the advances of modern science which have made our lives more comfortable, but is comfort really a good thing? If the essence of nature is a struggle, we're furthest from nature. We're utterly reliant on a system we don't understand, and wouldn't survive more than a month if taken back 200+ years all of a sudden. We're the equivalent of that spoilt, fat little child in Apocalypto that took delight in watching peoples heads being chopped off and chucked off the precipice. What happens when that kid has his power/status taken away? What happens then if a majority of western culture, essentially as gluttonous and reliant, have their privileges and comforts taken away? How long do we last without the supermarkets, electricity and all the modern comforts? It's all we know! I mean, how long do I remain sane if only my hot showers are taken away from me? What then happens if there's no longer toilet paper... and then let that list continue.
I believe that depression is basically an acknowledgment of our separation from nature. We need the struggle, the fight.. we need hard times and desperation in order to effectively bond/form social ties. With everything handed to us on a silver platter there's no need for others. Those around us in this overly populated world (especially in the big city centres) are utterly disposable. This becomes instinctual but probably unacknowledged, but I think is at the heart of all our woes. It is "The Century of the Self". How can we appreciate what we have if we've never really known truly hard times? We're complacent on the surface while knowing, perhaps only at a subconscious level, of the deep rot settling in at our core.
