Sometimes life sneaks love into your life and you don’t even know it. It crept in for me above a flickering phone screen from maybe too many late nights with a girl too pretty to be real. This feeling is beautiful, however, there are challenges that come along with it – primarily if you are too shy to shut the digital conversation up and open with a real life conversation. Here’s my journey so far: my experience, where I am today and how it started.
Nothing happened the first time. It was all innocent enough: a simple text message, a casual conversation, and the flicker of something I couldn't put a finger on first. I started to be drawn to her relaxed and understanding ways. She was pretty on the outside but her heart was even more radiant. And as I talked with her, I fell deeper for her as well. Not long until I realized I was falling for her.
I’ve come to learn that love is beautiful. Hope is what it gives you and it fills your world with possibilities. To me, it seemed to make sense for me to be connected to her. Which was a terrifying revelation, a fear of losing her, or ruining what we already had by trying to press that further.
I love every moment we talk but I haven't taken things one step further. There are three key reasons for this: Besides my lack of experience with female friends, my shyness, and my financial insecurities.
1. Lack of Female Friends’ Experience
I’ve never had a lot of female friends. As I grew up I did most of my interaction with girls, but I never learned how to talk to girls comfortably. Every time now I try, it feels awkward and forced. I think too much about every word and every action, and too much of the time, I get stuck in doubt.
3. Shyness
For as long as I can remember I was always surrounded by this shyness. I didn’t choose it but it’s a part of me. I’ve made progress in fighting it, but up until now it still feels entirely too difficult to talk to her face to face. Every time I think of saying the wrong thing, or making a fool of myself.
3. Financial Insecurity
While money can’t buy love, it definitely plays a part in how confident you are in a relationship. It’s also a pretty huge hesitation for me because I’m very conscious of my financial situation. Every time I think that I can take her out or ask her to be my girlfriend I’m reminded that I have limited resources. The not being able to provide for her, making sure that she’s happy, this fear keeps me from moving forward.
And though all of these challenges remain, and in fact have become increasingly challenging, I love the conversations we have together. My thing is that I have a lot to say and I have a lot to say to her, but I feel most comfortable and confident using it on WhatsApp. I have boundaries even there, though. I don’t call her or ask her out because I don’t want to force her to, or to make her feel like she has to.
I’ve found that women will withdraw when they can sense that someone loves them too much. When showing affection is not a veiled attempt to overwhelm them. This has led to how I interact with her. I kind of try to make her happy without being too much because relationships take time to build.
I’ve done a lot of growing as I go through these feelings and the learning comes with that. First though, love isn’t always a big gesture, or a beautiful moment… it’s being present, being authentic. Second, there’s self improvement. Right now I’m overcoming my shyness, building confidence, and getting my finances in order not only for her, but for myself.
What I’ve realized most is that love should be a partnership. It’s not about one person taking all the giving, or all the worrying. She should be fine with my flaws and help me grow with her support.
If you’ve ever managed to get yourself caught in a similar situation, you’re not alone. For many, falling in love has a huge learning curve. It’s okay to feel unsure or scared. Essence is learning and growing. If something is hurting you, small steps, and sometimes major steps, make sense take toward improving communication skills, talking through your insecurities, or being brave enough to express whom you were free.
So, love is worth it. It is a beautiful, messy, transformative one that shows us more about ourselves than we actually thought we knew. This is just the beginning of my story for me. Love has contributed so much into my life and whatever happens I am grateful for the lessons and the growth that love has given me.
Then, here’s to love, and to love as it comes to us and how it does. Let's all have the courage to embrace it entirely as is.
