Today during the night I thought it is over.
I went for a party, drunk some alcohol and decided to go home, because suddenly I understood that I can die any moment. Something can just happen and I am gone.
I took a taxi. The whole way I expected a crash accident. I had this feeling, that everything I read or heard about, every tragedy IT WAS REAL.
The taxi got me home. Being in my apartament I started to feel even worse. My heart was pumping like crazy. The more I thought about dying the faster was the beating. I started to panic.
I decided to call an ambulance. I went out in front of my home in a shirt in the middle of the winter and suddenly I had this moment of awarness, how unreal it was, me doing something totally irracional.
I stood next to the middle of a street, trying to stop a car that was heading to me. The driver did not stop.
After some time I started to feel better. The ambulance came, I apologized for taking their time. And I went back home.
Than the second attack came. I was sure my heart would just stop any moment.
I made some calls to friends, nobody picked up. Nobody.
Yesterday I could have died and there was noone I could say 'I love you' to.
No one I could say 'Take care of my kids' to.
No one I could say 'The company is yours' to.
I could have died having accomplished nothing.
I am atheist, but yesterday I understood why people believe in God.
The fear is so big. The emptiness so overwhelming that any option is better than that.
If there is no God, we are fucked.
