Most of us have many expectations of ourselves and others. These expectations are often rooted in our ideals. Ideals alone are neither good nor bad. It simply depends on how we apply them in our lives. Ideals embody our values and our ability to see these core values manifest through our actions. If we value relationships, we will create ideals about our role in relationships and the roles of others in relation to us.
The challenge comes when we choose to expect rather than aspire.
If we expect experiences to conform to our ideals, we are usually in a state of chronic let down. If we aspire to our ideals we are able to see setbacks as information to help us make better choices. Our ideals act as inspiration instead of a pressure to seek perfection or intolerance when we or people in our lives do not live up to them.
There is much discussion on the topic of work/life balance. Many of us have an ideal about what this looks like for us. Commonly we aspire to have the perfect job: doing something we love, making a good living doing it, flexible hours and feeling like we are making a positive contribution to others. Our life ideal usually involves being in healthy relationships and pursuing interests we are passionate about. We have healthy intimate relationships, great friends, time for hobbies, time for self care. If we have children, we are the perfect loving, available parents. These are all wonderful things.
The conflict comes when we turn these things into expectations.
For most of us it is unrealistic to expect all of the above things to merge into some type of perfect harmony on a daily basis. Life is often the art of compromise. The perfect job often requires extra time and energy. This might take time away from our relationships. When we have expectations of ourselves that suggest we always reach our ideal state in both roles, there is disappointment and often shame. “I should be able to perform excellently at work and come home full of energy for my family and friends.” Is this reasonable? Have you ever consistently achieved this while under increased pressure or extenuating circumstances that require you to put more energy into one or the other? Of course not.
If we aspire to bringing the best version of ourselves to our work and our life, we naturally give ourselves a break when the unexpected happens. We find healthy compromise and we tend to what is needed. It’s a back and forth instead of all/none.
Our ideals serve as more of a compass than a rigid standard. We aspire to them. We don’t expect them to be met at all times.
