This is merely a chronicle of my experiences with a particular section of the religious circus who have consciously plagued and toyed with the suspecting masses who just stand around and dance at the drums of deceit played using the microphone and a couple of sound equipment.
To lay a proper foundation, Nigeria (especially the southern part) is a country filled with religious people who believe in the ability of their god to do everything for them while they just sit and watch. A typical example is in the just concluded elections where a handful of them refused to partake in the process but went to church the following day to pay their tithes and pray for God to heal their land.
But today isn't for that lot, but for the artists who have decided to take advantage of their folly. For people like me who are instrumentalists and have been to a lot of "prayer houses", we've been witnesses to some of the most bizarre incidences in churches.
The first incident was with a 'man of god' who betrayed the unwritten golden rule of the business, which states "NEVER CALL OUT AN INSTRUMENTALIST", generally because we know and understand the rules of the game.
So this prophet called out my friend (a keyboardist) to tell him that his mother is the cause of all his problems in life. Knowing my guy very well, I began to pack our bags when I heard the prophesy, and in a twinkle of an eye, the prophet was rolling on the floor looking for his teeth as me and my guy scampered out of the premises.
Just one punch, and till today I heard he cannot prophesy again because the words always come out wrong because of the lost teeth. He looks like a knuckle-less individual trying to throw punches.
The next one was at a vigil where the prophet was an ultra active one. Rumour has it that he smokes marijuana to clear his eyes so he can see visions clearly. By the time he got the microphone, he went into a fit of heavy metal 'prayer songs' to charge him up and bring down the spirit of the lord.
It was going very well with both young and old women losing their wrappers and skirts as they caught 'the fire' leaving us with exciting views. That was up until our prophet decided that there was an evil spirit parading itself around the building and trying to suppress it.
He then went out into the dark, racing around the house in a bid to pursue the demon, while we were inside continuing with our heavy metal war song to keep him charged. 10 minutes passed, and our prophet was not back, we kept going harder. 15 minutes later and some of the members came out of the spirit and started sharing suspicious glances.
30 minutes later and the war song died down as we went out looking for our captain. We went round the building shouting his name until we heard a faint voice shouting "the pit has consumed your lord". Apparently, while chasing the demon, our prophet unaware of the existence of an abandoned pit toilet had fallen into it. He who came to save now needed saving, but not before he had consumed his fair share of shit.
And then there was the last one (for now) who came highly recommended, with a mandate to weed out the demonic chaff and lay a miraculous foundation for the people. He sang with the vigour of one who's been deprived for ages. He went about laying hands on people and making them 'fall under the anointing'.
Then he started jumping on seats as if fighting an unforeseen battalion of enemies. Unknown to him that the ceiling was closer than it appeared, he hit his head on one of his jumps, broke the ceiling, scraped his hair, and then missed his steps as he landed and went unconscious. All attempts to awake our 'man of god' proved abortive and he was rushed to the hospital.
He woke up the following day, announcing "my pain has made thee whole, as I have paid with the blood of my head". But that didn't sit well with the owner of the church who had warned him about spoiling anything in the church. Last I heard, his honorarium was not paid and he was remanded till he fixed the ceiling and broken chairs.
These are just but a few of such incidences and I know that people like 
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