Many at times recently, I've been doubted by people about my relationship status. I don't understand why people refuse to believe me anytime I tell them that I'm single. "Oh I don't believe you", "someone like you cannot be single", "how many hearts have you broken?".
Those are usually the smirky sentences I get from my naysayers whenever I tell them that I am single as if God created an Eve out of my side after creating me to make sure that I can't be single ever again. And I've never broken any hearts. I always meet them heartbroken, then I mend it, but always make sure that I leave them the way I met them.
And yes for the umpteenth time, I'm single incase there's any lady here who feels they have an extra space for one more fine boy. But that's not what this post is about. It's an attempt by me to mute my naysayers by setting the record straight that it's not my fault that I'm single, but because I haven't seen anyone worthy yet.
I met one once at a club and was immediately hooked. This girl's backside made me feel the chair she was sitting on was too blessed to be soiled by another person, and therefore should be taken to a museum. Her ass was an art, therefore the chair became an artifact.
So I turned on my charm and approached this girl and immediately the vibe was electric. I was blown away by....errm! Okay I can't remember what really got me hooked apart from the backside and the fact that I felt a strong pang of jealousy towards her bra. It was cool though up until she started talking about our future family, number of children we will have, and our joint accounts and businesses.
As if that wasn't bad enough, she then dragged me to the dance floor and started convulsing to the opposite of the beat. When I asked what she was doing, she said she was practicing for our nuptial dance. Oh No!
"Errm, excuse me" I started. "I just wanna hit first before we continue. Can I hit it this night? No? Okay bye" I added and walked out.
She came out screaming at me and crying that I broke her heart. But I'm a typical Nigerian and I believe it's unfair for me to buy anything without tasting it.
Well, I did not learn my lesson there. My love for Manchester and Arsenal will always sway my emotions. So I was on my way home some days later and I noticed this very beautiful and curvy lady from behind, her backside swerving in all directions and directing the rhythm of my heartbeat.
I did not know when I rushed up behind her and tried to turn on my charm. But as she spinned around, I found myself crouching, bleeding from my nose and all my lines seemed to evaporate from my brain. I did not know who or what hit me but she was rubbing my back and telling me sorry.
It felt so good that I milked the situation with her melodious voice making my ears flap and dance. Then I decided to face this beautiful girl that is pampering me. When I looked up at her, I immediately realized what/who had hit me. This girl had a perfect balance both behind and in front.
But not the kind of front I usually loved. Just like her backside, her forehead was so big that she could walk in the rain and no drop of water would touch her feet. It looked like an inbuilt canopy, it even created a shade before me so that the sun did not smite me that day as I stood speechless before her.
"are you okay?" she asked concerned as I stepped a few steps back to avoid another contact. "I'm sorry for the accident" she added
"Yeah! Me too" I started. "I hope your canopy is in one piece" I added and I could see the confusion on her face as I walked away.
I have tried my best, but just haven't had much luck with these girls. I dunno where you guys see these relationships, please help a brother.
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