So I fell in love.
Accidentally
It was the craziest thing. My friends told me it was just a chemical reaction and it would fade, it hasn’t yet... I tried to get over it when he told me he wasn’t in love with me. When he told me he had got something else going.
Alas, I am not over it and someone needs to hear this story.
I broke up with a boyfriend I had last year after realizing I was not totally in love with him. I have been on quite the quest for love. He was the first boyfriend I had had in years... that was why I guess I stuck with it for about six months, novelty. That breakup led me to end up chasing another man... who always told me no, that he respected me but,” yeah no.” I was single and a year went by with all of my advances being rejected. Of course I was frustrated, but always telling myself everything happens for a reason. And it does! The man I had been crushing on introduced me to this man that I am inexplicably deeply in love with now.
My life has done a 180 from the day I met him. I quit my job, started being creative again, realized how unhappy I was and have been ecstaticly happy since. I hit my head very hard that night, blood gushing everywhere, gnarly bump. The next morning I got a FB messenger call asking if I was ok. I of course said yes, but I need a ride back into town to my car... well that ended up with me at the house drinking beer with them all. And many adventures throughout the rest of the day.
In the late evening the love in question was snoozing on the porch while I had girl talk, well he woke up and I guess listened in. I am not sure if he felt pity for me ( I was telling my girlfriend about my frustrated efforts at love) and that is why he then approached. Still not sure. Maybe one of the other guys put him up to it. In any case I wasn’t convinced until all at once in half illumination his face filled me with an ecstatic love and I couldn’t help but surrender. And he kissed me.
Further details would be too much information, but I can assure you it was glorious. And then in the morning it was glorious again. Then he rushed out late for work.
I didn’t get his number! I found him on FB though and sent him a message, saying how wonderful it was and when is round two? He didn’t reply for awhile, maybe two days. When he did it was to tell me that he was attempting to repair a relationship with someone but if he was single and saw me again it might happen...
so I figured that was it, it was hard to have hope reach a pinnacle and crash down. So I flirted with other guys and kept getting rejected. Sometimes very harshly rejected.
Luckily I am a warrior and I am always getting back up and dusting myself off. Years of rejection makes it easy for me.
So when rejected with a side of cruelty by one who mentioned that this amazing man was coming back into town... I showed up. With a legit task, and some hope. Not a whole lot of hope but still had some stowed away for the occasion.
I was pleasantly surprised at my welcome.
I was then amazed. I was overwhelmed. I submitted willingly to the most intense connection I have ever felt with a man.
Again the details would make this NSFW
I felt like he healed me. He healed me bodily, spirit and mind. It was thorough. Kundalini rising.
I have been on cloud nine since.
Again I didn’t get his number! Why!
A day later I sent him a plant instead of flowers.
Of course it took him two days to reply to me again. He told me to slow my roll that I was freaking him out. “That if it happens it happens”
I was under the impression it could happen again.
But upon last communication he told me that he was reunited with his former love.
Maybe he was healed a bit too? Enough to repair his relationship.
So I have spent sometime trying to get up and dust myself off..... but I absolutely cannot shake this. I feel like I am seeing signs everywhere. Like it awakened latent psychic powers. That I can feel him thinking about me sometimes. And I am totally in the deepest love I have ever felt. Didn’t know there was a higher form of love, I have been in what I thought was the deepest love, this is more. Totally understanding of any choices and paths, forgiving, all encompassing and apparently enduring despite me trying to snap the hell out of it. So here I am alone again, but now I have this brightly burning torch in my hands.
So I have been mulling over what to do... what to do... so I am writing this post. I will include some poetry I have been inspired to write, but nervous to share. This post will be revealing, healing, and an expression of my love for myself by letting the story be heard. And hopefully help me move on.
Aphrodite
It is a powerful man that has a woman
unashamed
to appear before her parents
Smelling and looking like
Aphrodite
Ravished within an inch of
Immortality.
Truly I died one death-
That of any thought
Of another man.
Appearing out of the ocean
Brined
Ready
And open
Awaiting my savior
With a parted lip grin
Of pure and honest desire.
May 14th 2018
Adjustment
I usually get to decide who I will heal.
But you healed me
I didn’t know I needed it
So tough
So fucked up
And the first time
I know it was pity.
But the vortex of wild
Shot me back at you
A gust of DTF
That no one
I mean no one would
Dare step in front of
Only those on grand
Death defying adventures
And I hadn’t met someone
Quite as wild as me in a long time
Which was probably part of the healing.
A couple years without ultimate heartbreak
Being terrified of the occurrence I always sabotage in some way.
But you caught me
Took control
And gave me the healing kundalini boost I needed
The real one
A powerful gift of ascendancy
Maybe it wasn’t just you
Maybe it was us.
I finally went my own way
Taking the first steps toward alignment
So all I have to say is
Thank you
For the adjustment.
May 17th 2018
Now I know the path
And I am so grateful
That I waited.
I was so hopeless
So long
I might have actually shed two tears
I love this desert of tears
I feel like I have finally felt the sun
Come into communion with nature
Unadultered priesthood of nature
So beautiful
So glorious
I came here again after so long
Waiting till the end to do some heavy work
I know this is the last
(Valkyrie to slain)
“Want a ride to Valhalla?”
May 20th 2018
