I just probably need a smile and a cocktail maybe? And if you can help me with one of these things then that would be great.
I don't know about you guys but it seems that feeling positive seems to be difficult for me these days. It is as if I've been living my default negative setting the whole time. I know that kinda sucks if you come to think about it. After all, we were all taught to think good things. And to see the good in people. To see the good in everything. But I think these are way easier for others especially if they've been living in the positive pattern and default setting their whole lives. But for someone who is always trying something new and venturing into different experiences in life, somewhere along the way, things will not turn out well. You'll become used to disappointment after disappointment until you just become cynical in time. It can be hard to break away from this pattern as you get older.
Being negative drains your energy and those around you. We try to stay away from people who complain a lot about pretty much everything bad. And even see the bad in everything good. I no longer want to be one of those negative people. But I just keep on coming back.
I just have a bit of a problem with trying to stay positive. Like if I want something bad enough, and I don't get it, then this crippling anxiety takes over. I guess it is not really about having high expectations or low expectations, it is trying your best and letting whatever will be will be. It is about acceptance and having a positive mindset whatever the outcome will be. Like even if you don't get the things your heart desire, you know it's all for the best. And that there's probably a good reason for it. It can be a path to something else. Something better.
Why do I think this way today? It is probably because I have a final interview later, for a job that I've been waiting for months. Would it be nice to get this job in the middle of a global crisis? What are the odds of getting something that can financially support me in these uncertain times? It has become an obsession, to be honest. And I know deep down that being overly positive will only lead to an emotional disaster. Being negative is just the same. So, here I am overthinking again, torn between my conflicting emotions. I am already seeing myself pushing that self-destruct button when things don't work out. But hey, I am not crazy. Yet.
There are just so many things going on in my head right now. Aside from all the worries brought by the uncertainty of our times, there's also this looming emptiness. I've been doing everything I can to fill this void without resorting to self-destruction. You know, all those familiar self-care efforts, exercising, meditating, writing, having a pet, and talking to a friend. But even after having everything that I wish for, I still feel that there's still something lacking. Something more meaningful to make me feel more alive and positive about life. Well, I guess this is just me being human today.
previously, previously, previously,
