I remember my friend telling me at my mum's wake a few years ago, you've just become like them. You've changed.
He was talking about how my relationship with my family has changed after years of traveling.
Here, you just don't grow up, forget your family, and leave everyone behind. You don't just sever ties with them so you can focus on your own. You don't just become an individualist. But for some reason, I've forgotten where I came from. I've forgotten what separates us from modern society. I've forgotten who I am.
Two days ago, my mum's sister called and told me that their brother, my uncle, passed. Yet again, I was shocked by this sudden loss of a loved one. I am devastated because he was not just an uncle, he was a father to me. My dad passed when I was three. It was sudden death. So my uncle was always there for me, my sister and my mum. We were all very close. He helped us with our needs during my childhood. He helped us survived. Because that's what families are for.
My uncle was not really well off. For practical reasons, he never married and just lived with his brother. My two uncles just lived for each other. My uncle who passed away worked for a church and was very active in the community. A lot of people loved him. He didn't complain about being alone and didn't aspire for anything else in life. He was quite content with what he had.
And here I am complaining about being alone and all, will I have the same strength to go through life and just take pleasure in simple things?
I've been meaning to help him and my mum and my other relatives who were very close to me. I even had a dream of a grand family reunion, giving everyone gifts and anything they wished for. I thought I was only doing this thing for myself, this whole race to get there, but I really just want to help those who I love and care about. It is just taking so long. What's the point of getting there when everyone's gone? Just for my SELF?
I feel like I failed in everything. I failed everyone. I am disappointed that I didn't think about the time. There IS no time.
I hate getting old because I witness losing my loved ones one by one. I can't handle another news of sudden death. I don't know how to deal with my grief, with my guilt. For my remaining loved ones, I just want to be there for them while they are still here, while I still can. Appreciate them and care about them. But I am very sad, I feel like it's too late.
I couldn't go to my uncle's wake due to COVID travel restrictions which really breaks my heart right now. I will really miss him.
Wherever he is, I am sure it is a better place.