Vianne: Don't you ever think about belonging somewhere?
Roux: The price is too high. You end up caring what people expect of you.
-Chocolat
Yes we did. Believe it or not. Can you count how many times we've moved in the past 7 years? Life has been a countless series of adventures and misadventures. This is pretty much what happens when you don't want to belong completely. When you want to ghost everyone before they ghost you. When you want to abandon them before they abandon you. When you want to disappear before everyone else disappears. I beat them to it by leaving without an explanation to start a new life somewhere else. This life is nice but very fucking hard. It is for the masochists like myself. It's that demon in me constantly pushing me to get away from everyone else. But I am not this demon anymore.
A few weeks ago, I was explaining to my cat why we have to move. Just a mother and son conversation there. This is our life son. Sometimes we just have to leave and make everything right. Will everything ever be right though? That was my talking cat talking to me. Yes, it does get better. Promise.
My passive aggressive fat neighbor door banging zombie (y'know the ones similar to this zombie sim game I play called "Project Zomboid") eventually drove us out. I even filed a police complaint mind you but I was still scared as hell I couldn't live there anymore. Who knows what else this psycho neighbour can do? My friend's sister and the whole gang pretty much dismissed the whole noise issue I was telling them early on. They even want me to spend money to soundproof or change their windows which to me doesn't make sense at all because I will leave eventually. Now when the neighbour complained about my loud AC (which was actually the heavy thunderstorm sounds lol to drown the external noise. So I can sleep and work), they immediately came to the crazies' rescue. I was so frustrated that my "friends" cared more about the neighbours' perception of them than the needs of their own tenant, their friend. This is one of the worst feelings in the world - when people make me feel alone.
It sucks to have burned all bridges to be honest. The last few days I was so stressed out I went to a complete spiral again. I realize later on that the move was more self-interested. I just thought it was more for my friends than for me. I knew all along that they wanted to hang out at my place all the time now that they are friends with the tenant. Okay well, who knows? I accepted it too. I was desperate for company / friends to regularly hang out with it just because I couldn't be left alone with my thoughts. Loneliness and this BPD can make you do things... It does suck to live life like this. But I'm a continuous work-in-progress and I do everything I can to cope and feel better however difficult.
Yes I know, everything was the consequences of my own choices but then a part of me says that my decision was influenced too. Before the move, I was actually thinking that I should not have made an important life decision involving a friend as it could ruin our relationship if something goes wrong. When they showed to me their house, everything seemed perfect. But deep down I knew something was wrong. I knew that there were things that they were not telling me. I was convinced nevertheless. And I hated myself for not trusting my instinct early on.
My friend and I were very close and she knows very well about my mental state and what I had gone through in the past. So I couldn't wrap my head around as to why she still proceeded to offer her sister's place with a less than ideal neighbourhood. So yeah, I trusted them but got burned in the end. I guess these things happen in real life huh.
But anyway I'm moving on so instead of dwelling on this hurt I decided to just get the hell out of there as everything was already a "sunk cost". Moving to a nicer house that lets me save a bit of money for my own house was the plan all along. But not all decisions are flawless and efficient. There was just an unexpected mishap in this whole journey as this is life as we know it.
And as you all know, it costs a lot to move to a new place. I had to pay for the move, new stuff, reinstallation of my split AC, etc. It was deeply disappointing to spend a big chunk of money that I'm saving for house construction. And it might take a while to recover from all these expenses. Everything was exhausting mentally, emotionally and physically but I had no choice. My mental health and peace of mind come first now.
Diablo and I are glad that we have finally gotten out of that hellish zombie of a neighbourhood. Now I pay a bit more for peace and security and we are in a much better place at the moment - this is what's important now. I do need to take my time to save more for the house and it's okay. The doom bunker will come. We need to feel peace and be comfortable now. Onwards and upwards.
The Diablo himself.
