I figured that it would be better to finish all my household chores and other domestic stuff before the week ends so I have time to slouch around, watch Netflix, read, play with Diablo and all that much-needed me-time things - mindless activities included during the weekend. Most importantly, that much-needed deep rest and relaxation for my overall mental well-being. A mental vacation, I think that's what spiritual people call it.
And so here I am again after being in incognito mode for two weeks. I just felt the need to journal my life over the past few days, with or without your comments. I just need to get these thoughts out there. Anyway, I've just been working + relaxing at work (I know the latter sounds crazy). If I don't do it, you know like relax, I won't be able to work or solve complicated stuff in front of my computer. My brain just wouldn't work. It has its threshold too.
Work's becoming more enjoyable these days because of that "relaxing part". And for that, I am very grateful. Work or this part of the day is eating up a large chunk of my life so it is up to me to make it pleasurable or at least tolerable. So, I work for this big international corporation you all probably know which I cannot disclose, with offices offshore known for slaving rank and file employees and other unethical practices. The founder is probably one of the richest men in the world (clue). So yeah, I work for this company. The only thing that I am grateful for is that I have the luxury not to be abused. Oh man, you don't max me out I max you out. It's the other way around.
I am only one of the "support" staff so the reward for being the only one who can do the job is that I have autonomy - at least for now. Hopefully, this won't change since people in this organization tend to come up with ideas to micromanage people. So it's not actually all about the money. I am thankful for but being able to have free time or flexibility - because I can finish my tasks in less than 2 hours. The very reason an 8-hour workday does not make any sense - at least for me. Anyway, not bragging about my skills but this is just the result of years doing these kinds of tasks in the past. My manager even gave me the green light to do whatever I want to do for the rest of my shift.
I am not sure if you've heard of Andrew Huberman but I am a fan of this neuroscientist lately. I think I am done with all the new age-y spiritual stuff and what he says actually makes more sense - because duh science, and much more practical. We all probably know these things already but we are just unaware. There are just parts of our brain that remain untapped. Anyway, I've only come to know that I am on the right path after listening to one of his podcasts.
So I use all my free time to decompress and replenish - the same thing I would probably do when I am at home. After the first few hours of high stress, and not to mention constantly being surrounded by people making me feel anxious, I need to retreat, like immediately. Because there is just no other way to feel better in this toxic work environment. The good thing about at work, like other corporations out there that try to look ethical, is that we have great facilities. So I found a place where I can retreat for a few hours to relax and meditate - the chill room. It's far away from our floor so my colleagues don't really go here. I need to find a quiet place where there are not too many people otherwise I will collapse.
I find this very effective because when I go back to my workstation, I feel recharged and ready to kill. It's easier to tackle and solve more difficult problems especially logical tasks like programming and stuff.
Indeed the mind is connected to the body as Andrew Huberman said. If you don't get enough sleep or rest, everything is narrowed and you won't be able to think clearly. If you need to get the diabolic in me, then sleep-deprive me. And if you've replenished "your resources", you will be able to focus on something. The kind of good stress that gives you that tunnel vision to hyperfocus on something. And when you feel relaxed, you'll have this panoramic view - just like when you're on the beach. He's saying that in order to get better at what you do, or in order to get better in time, you need to be able to toggle back and forth between high stress/high adrenaline to deep relaxation. Stress gets you moving into action but too much of it is bad. And one should rely more on "internal rewards" and not on quick shots of dopamine like drugs and social media. So I think what I get from work is this dopamine of achievement or that sense of fulfillment when I am able to solve tasks. A good dose of stress and agitation gets me moving.
There are some techniques by Andrew Huberman that can ease the anxiety a bit so I am trying all these hacks, like breathing techniques, lateral eye movement, deep relaxation/hypnosis for sleep. I learned that I cannot control my mind with my mind, it's just hard. I cannot suppress negative thoughts. But, I can control my body and behavior. These hacks are just on top of what I am already doing - eating healthy, trying to get enough sleep, walking exercise, talking to a friend, petting Diablo, etc.
So, let's see if I am on my way to being less-diabolic and becoming a better human being. This new chapter of my life is all about self-improvement and not self-destruction.
I might still need a shot of whiskey from time to time though.
Oh, how are y'all by the way?
From the king and queen of hearts.