(Trigger warning: extremely dark thoughts ahead not for the sunshine people)
It's been a year since I've lost a very close friend of mine to COVID. It was his birthday a few days ago and it triggered a lot of dark thoughts and feelings. I just felt even more sad that he left this earth so early. Things have never been the same. I lost that one and only meaningful and deep connection that I ever had in my life. There's this huge empty space in me now. I haven't been posting about my thoughts lately partly because of the judgment I used to get from this platform for being "too dark or negative". I used to say that this is my space and that I don't care about what people say. Deep down I do care what they think. But people don't understand my need to vent and have some form of outlet. And I don't need unsolicited advice, I just need to release my thoughts that's all. I want to pour my heart out again without reservations.
Well anyway, this is supposed to be an uplifting post for you all but I'm sorry I cant help it. I admit that I actually need help so bad but therapy on this island is not "a thing" apart from the fact that it is expensive. It really sucks that I have to pay just to have a professional person to talk to because obviously I can't do this alone now. I've been sucked into the darkness I can barely get out of - no matter what I do. It's crazy to think that there are many people here left untreated because mental health care in this region is inaccessible. We're so disconnected and so self-absorbed that we can't even hear that there are actually people crying for help. This is what we've become sadly.
This past year has been the darkest, darkest time of my life. You guys don't know what I have to go through every night. It's a perpetual nagging question, do I live tonight or not? Sometimes I wish I don't breathe while I sleep and this pain will finally be over. I'm not easy on myself and others anyway so things shouldn't be much of a big deal. Due to all my past trauma, I will be hurt and I will hurt. It's a vicious cycle. I'm always on survival auto-hurt mode. I don't think I belong in this reality anymore. See, life should not be an obligation. Although I think it's nice to be "other people" living without resentments and insecurities. They can afford to be nice and confident. What most people don't understand is that this life is not for everyone. We should be able to live on our own terms and exit on our own terms too. I mean look at these places where assisted death is legal. We should have access to a dignified death. Lately I feel like this is my new and ultimate goal. Forget about tiny home, cats, and a huge guard dog. My endgame has changed. I just want to see the world once again and finally, die somewhere. My own terms, a painless and dignified death. Aren't we all gonna die somewhere anyway?
My mind is so tired. I want out of it. I don't know how to pull myself together. I'm not myself emotionally and mentally these past few months. There's this dirt that I've been hiding the whole time. I've been very self-destructive. I was drinking a lot and hurting myself. I lost interest in things. I was aggressively trying to find ways to replace my friend to the point of falling back to people I've already let go a long time ago for a reason. You know, out of loneliness. But it really doesn't get better. Choosing a toxic person out of loneliness only sucked me back into that dark hole even more. I know I want to live but not this way. Better alone than be miserable with someone has always been my mantra. But to "love myself" is easier said than done. Some things in life just won't cut it.
I've let go of these so-called "friends" who are pulling me down. Some of them were not even aware that they were subconsciously destroying my self-esteem. My friend who passed away used to empower me and I never needed a man when he was alive. We were happy just talking everyday and hanging out whenever I was in the city. You can just imagine this huge loss in my life. But I have to move forward and I know that I have to. I can't stay in the dark for too long and I know that my friend, wherever he is right now, wants me to live my life to the fullest. He doesn't want to see me so broken and lost.
It turns out that a few good friends who uplift me are spread out all over the world. I met them when I was traveling and it's nice to have access to like-minded people. It's good to have these friends who check on me even if they don't live in the same region.
I feel the burden and judgment of the patriarchal culture that I'm in. I always say I'm strong and that I don't care about what these people say about me or my age or why I'm still childless and single. But then deep down it affects me in some way. This societal expectations give me this debilitating anxiety. I cannot be ME in this place and the only way for me to save myself is to get out. And never to return. I don't have anyone here anymore anyway. I just have this strong need to finally get out of my country for good and be back on the road or just live somewhere else a bit more progressive.
My friend used to say "we live for friends". We used to talk about how we can just be there for each other and just move somewhere where we can have fun, be happy, and live the best of our lives. Now that he is gone, it's up to me to do that for myself. I'm sure he wants me to go on and experience new things for him.
Why is it such a hard work to be alive? I've been trying so hard to be mentally okay. I go to dance/workout classes. I eat well and healthy. I try to talk to people even though it would not end up as deep and meaningful friendship. I guess I've stopped putting all the effort due to my lack of trust. I'm fine enough being able to talk to random people once in a while. And I'm grateful that I have a very few friends I can talk to from a distance. I've stopped expecting. Sometimes I feel numb and disconnected. Maybe this is just my way to cope. On a positive note, I will do Me. I promise my friend that I will travel to these places around the world I've yet to see. Sit at nice cafes in beautiful cities while truly enjoying the goodness of moment. The goodness of life. And perhaps, along the way, and at some point, I will finally see my friend again. Until then.
Awww but I can't just leave this guy...