I stumbled upon this article that gave me a bit of a different perspective on my crippling anxiety. Your Brain Is Not for Thinking It just says how these negative feelings or mental issues are just a result of physical discomfort at some level. And that even if our brain produces uneasy thoughts and feelings, these are just more in service to the needs of our bodies.
Those who have a healthy upbringing probably have realized this by now, that is why they are great at "self-care housekeeping", but for some of us, it can probably take us a lifetime to learn that it is probably not our mind but our body. The whole time we thought we are weak but when really, it's just not being able to keep up with the required "body budget" to function normally. If the body resources are not properly replenished, you'll start having these negative feelings. You'll feel down and out, depressed, angry, etc. I even read somewhere that if you are feeling bad, something inside of you must not be working right, it could be your heart, liver, kidney, etc. It is just the brain trying to make sense of physical discomfort.
Do you guys remember when I wrote about my dark days and how I always attributed it to my approaching "PMDD". Those bad feelings are probably just my brain saying that my body is undergoing some kind of maintenance or something. And also, notice when a loved one is lashing out and you end up asking, have you slept well? Because somebody must have used up the "body resources" and started acting funny.
Honestly these days, I am not feeling well mentally. It all started when I stopped talking to a friend who I deemed toxic, insecure, and negative. I thought it is probably healthier to cut off all contact with him. Everyone else is busy and so, I'm left with no one to talk to on a regular basis. But I know this has been a result of my own personal choices too. I don't really go out of my way to meet new people because I am way too cynical now. I am too different or on the wrong side of the world. I have nothing in common with those people at work. I just feel more overwhelmed and anxious every day when I am surrounded by those I cannot relate to. Lonely to be exact. Anyway, I just try hard to survive these difficult times despite not being mentally fit to work amongst the living. Don't get me wrong, I am still grateful that I am able to pay the bills during this pandemic. So yeah, maybe these feelings should be irrelevant now, right?
This could be my PMDD again or something must have not been functioning right in my body. I am not sure. But I am trying my best to replenish my body resources daily. I try to eat healthy food, do a bit of exercise, sleep well, pet my cat, etc. I'm afraid I also need new friends, preferably those in "my tribe". I need friends to talk to because I could use a deposit or two in my body budget. Otherwise, I don't know anymore. I am not even going after that elusive happiness anymore. I am just here desperate to live.
I love you my followers. Thanks for being there for me even if I don't get to write here often due to work.
I thank this community that I can freely express my vulnerability without judgment.
Is this me getting old or that existential dread? I need people and I don't need people. My brain confuses me. Or maybe, I just need to eat and sleep now...