I wrote a bit ago how I got a roomate and had to move all my art supplies to the hallway and my bedroom, and that made me realize how much stuff I still had, despite my attempts to be a minimalist. And so I had hastily flopped all my stuff in new places, with an intention to re organize and try to keep downsizing.
I didnt want to get rid of art supplies because it felt like giving up on art.
My son was moving a chair and it got caught on the shelf (aka he was trying to fit something through a space that it could not fit through) and the entire shelf came down. Thankfully he was not hurt. But all my little containers of paints, stamping inks, lettering, paintbrushes, buttons, thread, beads, paper, and parts of books that I have made, all hit the floor in a nightmare of a jumble.
I am still cleaning it up two days later because it was just so overwhelming to me.
And I am getting rid of most of it.
I realized that holding on to all these art supplies is actually just creating guilt for me because I feel bad not using them. So yesterday I gave a huge amount of paint, printmaking ink, markers, and thread to a 14 year old artist. Her mom is a single mom too, and my friend. I prefer this stuff is getting used than sitting here. I don't have the patience to try to sell it even though I really need the money. I honestly feel better giving it to a low income child who might as well have been me at her age anyway. It will be great to see what she makes.
Theres still more to get rid of but that helped me feel better about throwing some of it away, even. Theres just some weird random bits of things that I hang on to, to make something with later, and later seems to be happening less and less.
I am keeping enough paints so that if i feel the urge, i still have something to use. And i kept 4 spools of thread instead of 20. I have journals and sketchbooks and pens still, and I am more likely to use those anyway. And i still have my iPad.
I get a fantasy going that letting go just wont be hard some day, in that future day when I am enlightened and perfect. But letting go is always hard. I feel like letting go the right thing to do, but I am still sad. I am giving up on some ideas I was holding on to for my entire life.
I am hoping that getting rid of the extra stuff will actually reduce my guilt . And maybe the reduced guilt will help me feel more clear and free, and then I will magically get more creative again.
And thats been hard and sad too. I'm trying to maintain a solid state identity though, and not get lost in feeling loss, and just have faith that where these things go out, other things come in. And its better to move on than to hold on to stuff and get stuck for too long. Its still hard. I don't think it should be easy though. It would be weird if it was easy.. because the difficulty comes from the fact that it had meaning and importance in the first place.
For the holiday, i got invited up to a lake to party and chill and eat food. I needed to write this all out before i hit the road. I hope everyone reading this is doing alright today. I am kind of sad, but I am feeling like thats just where I am at, and I am not going to force myself to feel different. I will feel better soon. Maybe even as soon as I get to the lake!
xo
Dflo
