My friend asked me how I managed to curb my spending habits because I had a bad habit of using money to feel good. When I was anxious, I’d eat ice cream or biscuits, when I was sad, ice cream and/or pastries would do. If I felt lonely, I had the perfect shawarma spot to turn to. It always boiled down to money which was why I would be depressed for a long time, days on end if no money was available. Wow…
When Ariana Grande sang, “who said money can’t solve all your problems, must not have had enough money to solve them”, she was right. Add to that, money is the answer to almost everything in this world. Notice how I used the word “almost” because it can’t solve everything, sadly.
Going forward, I would later realise that no one was to blame for my poor spending habits, so I tried to curtail it. What I did was redirect my energy and come up with a system to manage my finances better. Unfortunately, this system would turn around and bite me in the arse because I just could not spend on myself without feeling bad. That however, is a story for another day.
My cousin came into town recently and as a welcome, my boyfriend thought it was a good idea to go out. We three had as much fun as we possibly could and by “possibly” I mean he and I spent time catching up and talking about the future and his business, while my dear cousin assaulted my phone with pictures and videos enough to last a year. Haha.
After I got to sit down with my thoughts, I realized that everyone has a different version of contentment and wholeness. It also struck me that for the first time in a long time, I was actually present while my thoughts roamed. It’s not easy, because thoughts are reality builders and they move so fast that most times we let the wrong ones in.
Last year, when my boyfriend would take me out and I saw the bill, my eyes would bulge like a balloon. I could not honestly see myself spending that much on something as “fickle” as a good time, especially with responsibilities at home. However, I am learning. I am learning to just DO IT!
In my mind, I put a limit on what I thought I deserved and what I could afford. That was absolutely wrong. This mindset did not just put a cap on how I viewed myself but also how I let myself be perceived by people. My friend sent me a voice note once and rebuked me for a way I dressed. I felt offended. I will not lie. I felt so offended and it kind of pulled me away for a while.
But as the days went by, my anger faded and reason began to set in. I then realised that first, this friend cared about me and second, I looked down on myself. Not only that, I also put no thought into those around me and how they’d feel. Little things we ignore could be doing the most and we could fail to notice.
The time and attention I give others, the energy and love I give, I want to receive as well. Not just receive, I want to accept it, be grateful for it and be conscious of it. For this to happen, I knew I had to step up with how I looked at myself, my pocket, my friends and most of all, my appearance.
This, I believe has been hard to do because I always felt I didn’t deserve it. It was only confirmed this morning while reading Louise Hay, where she pointed out the reflection of thoughts in the life of a person.
It’s not that I don’t care how I look, it’s not that I can’t put the effort, and it’s not that I couldn’t afford it but I just genuinely believed that it wasn’t worth it. That I wasn’t worth it. Which looking back now is a very painful, sad distortion of the truth.
So, fuck it! I thought that when I was looking at clothes I want to get because yes, fuck it, I will change my wardrobe. I love sundresses. I love heels. I love wigs. I love gloss and I love getting my nails done. I love denim skirts, overalls and God gave me a body some women would pay for. I love to eat at expensive restaurants, listen to classics at theatres and run wild on the race course (I’ll go back there soon). I love champagne glasses, Mercedes-Benz S class, bracelets, wristwatches, chic hairdos and aesthetic items.
Wow!
That felt like a dam opened up when I admitted things I really like not things I “have” to like. It felt really good. So, what will I do next? I don’t know, maybe get them one at a time? In conclusion, I am worth it and anything that tells me otherwise, is a bold faced lie.
ALL IMAGES ARE MINE
