I have a feeling we're all taught — at least to some extent — to strive for excellence and success... whatever that might mean to anyone, on an individual basis.
When I was growing up, it definitely laid like a rather heavy blanket across pretty much everything I attempted to do in life. Practically everything from football practice to homework was overlaid with the question of whether I was being my best. Fun and enjoyment didn't really play into the equation.
At the time, it felt rather annoying and oppressive. Certainly, from my vantage point several decades in the future I can appreciate that most parents just want what is best for their kids. But sometimes I think they also go overboard and try to live vicariously through their kids' achievements, perhaps hoping to somehow accomplish what they fail to accomplish themselves.
The thing I encountered — but didn't really recognize until I was in my late 30s and 40s — was that I had absolutely no concept of what constituted "good enough" in life; in any situation. Stated a little differently, there was no "good enough;" no matter how well you were doing you could still do better.
Somehow, that kind of atmosphere ends up feeling like a rather heavy burden to carry, at least until you realize that it is not necessarily your burden to carry, and that you can put it down.
From a more practical perspective it is easy to end up getting stuck in perfectionism. Because you're always striving for better you also end up striving to make things perfect when a "95% solution" would have been perfectly adequate and produced a result everybody could live with.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not recommending to anybody that they should just do a haphazard and sloppy job. However, sometimes striving for excellence can actually end up getting you to be in your own way!
In retrospect, I am grateful that while my parents were busy imprinting the need for perfection on me, my auntie — with whom I spent much of my childhood and youth — was the one who helped teach me to also enjoy what I was doing, independently of whether or not I was doing an excellent job. She helped me see that doing many things could also be fun, and not just a chore.
I remember us talking at some point when I was in my early twenties, and she remarked that the one thing she always felt uncomfortable with about my parents' approach was that they really "didn't want children to be children." Ironic, I suppose, coming from somebody who never had children of her own! However, there was definitely a lot of truth in that assertion.
However, she was also right, with that statement.
I'm not here to complain about my parents parenting, and I'm sure they did the best with the knowledge they had. My main point in writing out these words is that sometimes we have to undo what lessons we learn because they don't necessarily represent us but instead the wishes and desires of somebody else that don't necessarily fit us.
My father died while I was still fairly young, but I don't think my mother ever fully understood why I put as much effort as I did into self-improvement and understanding myself in my patterns.
Whether she simply thought it was nonsense, or she was secretly afraid of being "found out" in some way I suppose I will never know.
Thanks for stopping by, and have a wonderful Sunday!
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