As I have written about recently, change has been in the air around here.
On Thursday afternoon, I finished packing and cleaning up in the small space that housed Mrs. Denmarkguy and my small art gallery and gift shop; then I handed the keys back to the property manager.
A phase of our lives came to an end.
The lights are out; a final look towards the front door before I leave for the last time...
Heartbreak and Hope
"Endings" are strange and wonderful things.
In most cases, an ending represents a loss or death of something, so it's only natural to feel sadness. I certainly felt a sense of loss over the past few days as I "dismantled" something that took years of heart, soul and sweat equity to build. Perhaps I am just the classic "sentimental fool" in remembering so many tokens of love; so many memories in little things I touched; things I found myself discarding.
Tokens and symbols of slain hope? Is that what I was encountering?
We had fun doing this, and there was a time we were very hopeful that our little place would become a long-time part of the local commercial landscape. But things went sideways: A flood due to a freak weather event... the damage from which was not covered by our insurance due to some trivial "exception;" then a 7-month long road construction project outside our front door cost us 30-40% of our business.
Maybe the Universe sending the message that "this is NOT what you're supposed to be doing with your lives!" Had those events not come to pass, we'd no doubt have signed on for another five-year building lease.
Logic, and reasoning, and common sense typically do little to mitigate heartbreak. Heartbreak is sharp, immediate and demands our attention.
Pink rhododendron
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
The old truism talks about there being light at the end of the tunnel, and people are fond of pointing out — perhaps in an attempt at levity — that this could be the end of the tunnel, or it could mean the headlight from a train speeding towards you.
Oddly, even though I am often seen as a bit of a cynic, I tend to choose the "end of the tunnel" option. I feel hopeful, in the midst of the sadness.
I do think we came to the end of a long dark tunnel.
The events that led to our decision to close our business also necessitated other changes in our lives; a stock taking to have a closer look at what was "working" and "not working" in our world.
Sometimes we get very attached to ways of doing things... even though they are not really "working" or contributing much to our lives. In fact, when we find the courage and emotional honesty to be objective about them, we have to admit that they have gone from being things that contribute to our lives and well-being to being little more than outdated pieces of our self-identity we have grown attached to... perhaps even in an unhealthy way.
In our case, perhaps they ways were subtle... more obviously, we see such feelings in "empty nest" parents who struggle to get beyond "being parents," and people who retire and struggle with no longer having the "worker" identity.
We are no longer "Downtown Merchants;" no longer part of a particular segment of the town's core community... a shrinking core that's increasingly being replaced by "corporate interests."
Towards the future we go... no matter what...
"Better Future" or Just "Future?"
To be honest, I don't know.
There is definitely a future out there, and we get to be its architects. At least I'd like to think we do, as I am not planning to be a spectator in my own life... something I have been guilty of in the past.
Not yet quite sure what that future is, but I expect it will take shape as we become more open to looking for the opportunities that present themselves. No, there's no "BigPlan" as of yet... the thing about business closings is that they tend to be un-planned; more forced upon us than something written into the story we see for ourselves.
Do I feel worried?
Not seriously so. Having been self-employed numerous times since 1985, I have "reinvented myself" so many times it's not even funny. Meanwhile, Mrs. Denmarkguy is one of those people who "has the magic" that seems to make amazing things manifest seemingly out of thin air when they are needed most. It's a combination that will probably stand us in good stead, now.
At least... that's the hope I am feeling.
In the meantime, I am going to give myself permission to take a few days to simply stare blankly at the wall...
Thanks for reading!
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Created at 190629 01:26 PDT
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