Have you ever tried to fit in your whole life because you wanted to be accepted?
I have, It was not worth it though. I became a total different person. I’m not saying that they were bad influence to me but, I’ve learned so much because of them, I’ve realized so many different things and awful things and people. I’ve been wanting to fit in with certain people that doesn’t even deserved me and really thought they were my friends which I’m never really been part of. I felt dejected and I have remorse everything.
All I ever wanted is to get accepted for who i am, someone who believed in my ability and doesn’t make fun when I enlighten them about my dreams and some fantasies. I was so young back then I had many weird and impossible thoughts, we all are right? And mind you, I am totally aware of everything I say, I just wanted them to listen and not invalidate it because, I have opinions too?
That’s the reason why I have struggled communicating my feelings with people and I can’t fully express it all when talking to them, I can only express my feelings and everything through writing. I had so many dreams that I wanted to achieved when I was a teen, but because of them, I lost it all at once.
I’ve been to the bottom. It was dark, It was cold, but it’s peace and silent.
I do love learning, I want to learn more to get answers for my own curiosity, but I hate going to school. Other than I hate noisy places so much. I hate the people. Have you experienced being called “Mentally Disabled” by a teacher?
I thought she only did that because she wants me to give my best and perform well in her class. All my classmates stares at me, I couldn’t cope being humiliated. I just sit there waiting for the ground to open up and devoured me.
I don’t hate her, it’s just the words hurt so much that it make me want to quit ‘cause it felt heavy. I’m so terrified and doubtful about my future. Everyday I have to keep smiling though thoughts keeps on pilling.
At the end I survived.
It really felt like I was drowning, knowing how to swim but can’t afford to because something’s pulling me down.
All of these are happened to me because I care to much for the world and for what they say. I’ve been trying so hard to fit in, when all I can do is just to be myself and it’s completely fine to be different. I am so scared that no one would ever accept a mentally damage person like me.
Not only that, I’m traumatized because I experienced being abused physically and mentally since I was a kid. It broke me. I’m even terrified getting scolded for simple things I’ve never learned still. But you know what? I keep acting like I’m completely fine every single day.
There are so many times in my life that I wanted to scream at people that I am so sick and tired of them. But I couldn’t do it because, guess what? I am a soft hearted person that cries a lot, I couldn’t do the same thing they did. I hate that part of me, but that’s just who I am.
I’ve been keeping and building this these up for so long and been wearing a smile for so long.
Those are My Silent Scream : A Dreamer Lost Its Dream
Journey to the lowest Place on Earth
Those days, I’ve been stuck in a deep rut for so long and got nothing left to fight for. What do I have? The only remedy that truly save me is a Prayer and never quit believing in him. I never quit believing that everything will be fine. He shown me the light through the darkest day, and that light guided me back towards myself. Plus I have music that saves me in so many different ways. Yes, I have true friends but I keep my problems to myself because opening up means trusting others , I have trust issue and that just too much, I don’t want to bother.
But I have survived those tough times. I am so proud that my Journey to the lowest place on earth, gives so much lesson.
Conclusion
We should always remember to listen to our own heart. We can listen to advice of some, but you’re always free to never take every advice they give especially when you know you have your own ways. They don’t decide for your future, they can’t told you what to do and what to not do.
Being at the bottom part of life is a huge part of our journey. It was scary at first but I’ve grown to love it. The darkness wasn’t that bad yet, I didn’t stayed. I have to go on continue to walk even if it’s too dark and blurry and couldn’t see what future holds.
I saw a light sparks then I knew that I can make it. It was meant to guide me and help me conquer all. The most favorite line of mine is “Stars can’t shine darkness” and from then on I keep using that line. Put it in my dictionary to always live for myself and not to please others.
