There was a friend, someone i had known since we were teenagers, who i spent the better part of three years trying to quietly redirect. Not in an aggressive way. More like gentle consistent nudging. Sending articles i thought would resonate. Having patient conversations about the same patterns over and over. Staying in the friendship long past the point it was serving either of us honestly, because i had convinced myself that loyalty meant not giving up on people.
He did not change. Not because he was incapable of it. I genuinely believe people can change if they want to. But he did not want to, not in any real way, not in the direction i thought was better for him.
And that is the part i had to face eventually. I had made a project of someone who had not asked to be a project. My belief that i could see what was best for him, more clearly than he could see it himself, was a kind of arrogance dressed up as concern.
People change when they want to and when they decide the cost of staying the same has gotten too high. Not when someone they care about wants it badly enough for them. Not when the right words are finally said in the right order. Those things might plant a seed. But the growing is always, always theirs to do alone.
I lost years of energy and emotional capacity trying to pull someone toward a version of themselves they were not ready to become. Energy i could have spent on my own life, my own growth, my own becoming.
Now when i catch myself trying to change someone who has not asked to be changed, i try to notice that. Ask myself honestly whose need that is actually serving. Because it is usually more about my discomfort with watching them live a certain way than about anything they actually need from me.
Love people where they are. Be honest when it matters. And then let them be responsible for what they do with that honesty.
The changing was never yours to do for them.
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