Okay. We’re in Russia. Where in Russia you ask? Moscow. Where in Moscow, you ask? Kolomenskoye. What is Kolomenskoye? The royal estate of Russia at the time. What time is it, you ask? September 3rd, 1530. So we’re kinda wayyyyy back. There’s someone giving birth. Who is it? It’s Elena Glinskaya. She just gave birth to a lil baby [who is Ivan the Great/Terrible]. Who knew that he would be eventually the Tsar of All the Russias [and yes, “Russias”]- oh wait his father was the Tsar sooooooo. This boi’s father died of blood poisoning when he was 8. Then his mother was the regent till he was older, but she died of poisoning. Then it was just a bunch of petty statesmen baby fighting for control. Also known as the more appealing title, “boyars”. The successor [Ivan the Great/Terrible] was treated a lil like how some dogs are treated- exceedingly well, but he kinda didn’t like it. Here comes his 16th birthday. The boyars are pissed that they didn’t get to have more power, but he doesn’t care. He’s crowned Tsar of All the Russias, [I don’t lie mate] and forms the basis for communism hundreds of years before the October thingy [which actually happened in November].
In fact, [you might know him], Vladimir Lenin, or Vlad, adored this dude and compared himself with him. WELP, anyways, in the first part of his rule, he basically said “Screw this legal system. Screw this education system. Screw this literary system.” and made new, clean, squeaky versions of the old ones. He also made the big building in Moscow with the large spirals. After that, his country went to shitz because apparently those pesky boyars were defecting to his enemies. So he threw a hissy fit and declared his abdication, and the boyars [those pesky boyars] baby fought with each other until they begged for him to come back. He said “Only if you let me do whatever the hell I want” and they said “sure m8”, not realizing what they just said yes to. After that he made the founding of Russia’s long history with secret police, the Oprichnina. Which ironically killed most of the boyars.
After that everything was just dandy. Oh, he just got pissed off by the Khazan Khanate. Bad news for them. Then he decided to go complete overkill and have a 150,000 man army step on the Khazans. Wait… wait… did Russia just accept England’s friend invite over Alliances.notarealwebistenet? THEY DID! Oh my… now you can buy plaid in Moscow! The good stuff, not that cheap shit that one guy keeps selling. Hey… the Turks just decided to build a canal between the Volga and the Don. How? By laying siege to two Russian cities that were in the way. After the Russians swatted away the Turks like flies, the Turks said “heyyyyyy… look we’re sorry that we besieged 2 cities of yours… please don’t step on us”, and Russia said “fineeeee… we won’t step on you but you have to promise not to do that again”. That was the start of a healthy alliance between the Turks and the Russians [insert sarcastic joke here].
Then, the dude ruling Russia [Ivan the Great/Terrible], decides that he wants fresh, Baltic, fish. He then starts a war to expand borders to the West. Not surprisingly, the Swedes, the Lithuanians, the Danes, the Polish-Lithuanians, and the Teutonic Knights of Livonia [religious peeps with swords], didn’t want that to happen. So they all decided to fight against Russia. They kinda had a weird stalemate where the Russians took some land. After that, Russia’s economy was decimated, and the Poles and the Lithuanians decided to unite and have one leader, Stefan Batory. And I guess the Danes and the Swedes kinda worked together too, the Danes giving Livonia to the Swedes because the Danes were really incompetent. damn danes. Well, the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth is backed by the Ottomans [yes, the peeps that had a peace agreement with Russia but are sneaky sneks]. Bad news for Russia. They get pushed back a bit, then they are all friends again [sorta].
Look who’s back. The CRIMEAN TATARS!!!!! They want to capture Russian citizens and use them as slaves in the Ottoman Empire. They [unsurprisingly] are aided by the Ottomans and push into Russian territory. Tired from fighting the Livonian War, the Russians get knocked around by the Ottomans, pushing even further into Russian territory with a now 120,000 man army. Oh hold on, the Oprichnina just sacked a city because their boss told them to. That was fine, but then during the war with the Crimeans between 1571 and 1572, the Oprichnina were all fired because they were underperforming against the Crimeans. Lucky for them, the Tsar was in a good mood and didn’t have them all killed. Mostly because they all joined the army after that. The REGULAR army. The 120,000 man Ottoman army crossed the River Oka, laying waste to the fortifications that were there. They marched towards Moscow, then are abruptly stopped by a force of 60,000 men. The Ottomans swiftly defe- oh wait no they’re stepped on by the experienced Russians. They tuck their Persian tails beneath their legs and retreat. Russia prevails.
Next, they decide to go East because when they went West it ended badly. The East is controlled by some dude called Khan Khuchum, who has around 241637863243765928345086 family members. The Russians say to the Cossacks “help us take the east and we’ll give you a bunch of shit” and the Cossacks said “sure”. The Cossacks were basically a bunch of Russians who said “screw society we’re gonna live in sparsely populated regions with a bunch of horses and govern ourselves and apparently have an extremely experienced military”. 420 Cossacks [proof that Kek favours those who are one with him] defeated a crap ton of enemy forces until they eventually said to Moscow “help plz send us some men” and Moscow said “sure”. With that final bit of gusto, they take all of Siberia and claim it for Russia. Ivan the Great/Terrible died in 1584, soon after he conquered the East, and died of a stroke while playing chess. R.I.P Ivan lol. But he made Russia into the extremely frickin huge country it is now, so I guess the world wouldn’t have been the same without him. Aiight hope you read the entire thing, and if you did, props to you bro. Tell me if I did anything wrong. I don’t like being wrong. Plus tell me what you would like tah see next.
UPVOTE AND RESTEEM
praise kek
