The "Almost"

Hey Steem!
I want to be honest with you. I've been struggling as of late, due to very standard circumstances for a 22 year old recent college grad. Just wanting to share in case these feelings resonate with others. I am someone who needs to externalize my feelings in order to understand them.

Lately I have been having a hard time enjoying the journey, the "almost" if you will. This is because my current projects all involve applications. It feels like I am constantly trying to prove myself and ask for things. This process also takes takes TIME. There is no immediate answer to this most vulnerable question: "Am I good enough?"

I want to put forth these applications with passionate energy and a willingness to see them through. They are like horcruxes, like pieces of my soul dancing naked and exposed out in the world. I need to remember that this is okay. That moments of vulnerability demand loving kindness towards oneself. I wouldn't be striving for these jobs and schools and scholarships if I didn't believe that I could do it. I had the confidence to initiate, now I want to complete. That satisfaction will come and it will be worth all the anxiety.

Humans tend to respond best to immediate gratification. By this I mean that we remain more motivated when we see the results of our efforts right away. It is a massive challenge to continuously strive without any reassurance from the universe that we're on the right course. However, I believe that it is good for us to be made to wait. Times of "almost" help cultivate patience, discipline, and release.

I know that once I reach any of these goals, my life will change significantly. Many of these changes will be those of the rigorous, time- consuming sort. They will challenge me to reshape days and adjust priorities. While I cannot wait for that (trust me, I'm fiendishly impatient) I am trying to recognize the beauty of my present tense state. A few things I am grateful for...
~ Being able to wake up early and slowly. I love writing before the sun comes up and face planting into mugs of rich coffee.
~ Spending social time with others during the day. I have more energy and I love to be outdoors in the sunlight.
~ Long workouts. I can spend time moving my body vigorously, followed by stretching, yoga, restoration...
These are a few of my favorite things. They are a part of my "almost" and I love them so. Once I begin working, I will be doing so- hopefully in a variety of roles- for the rest of my life.

So I challenge myself to breath and to SAVOR the gifts of this phase.