I want to share a struggle of mine. I have seen it in others as well, and it tugs at my heart because I know what it feels like. I'm referring to overapologizing. Now, I'm all for a genuine apology. It takes great humility to cop to our wrongdoings. However, we (the overapologizers) tend to use the phrase "I'm sorry" as often as we can. If someone shoves you on the street, your first reaction might be frustration and the middle finger. Ours would be to apologize for taking up extra space on the sidewalk. This example is harmless, but it speaks to deeply rooted insecurity.
The first reaction is a testament to that individual's sense of self- worth. They understand that they have a right to that chunk of sidewalk and safe personal space. The second reaction reveals an entirely different perspective. This individual immediately assumes that THEY have done something wrong... why? I believe it stems from insecurity, and a reluctance to assert one's presence.
I have struggled with this for years, this unwillingness to take up space. Occupying space is scary. It means revealing yourself to others, and accepting some inevitable scrutiny. It makes conflict more likely. All of this is terrifying to the overapologizer, who would prefer to avoid offending others with their opinions and presence. The thing is this: clashing and conflict are OKAY. Relationships often deepen in their wake. Additionally, every human has a right to exist and to be recognized. No one should relinquish their power by consistently and unnecessarily apologizing.
I used to believe that apologies were the answer to avoiding conflict and remaining in other's good graces. I just wanted to be loved and agreeable and easy going. However, It didn't always work that way. When we over- use "I'm sorry", people tend to take us less seriously. In instances where apologies are truly warranted, ours carry less weight. It also becomes downright irritating, as it makes others feel like they have to tip toe around us. It used to (still does) drive my brother mad when I did this. He told me the truth: it made interacting with me difficult and awkward. This was hard to hear, but it helped me to realize that others wanted me to own my decisions, my space, myself. I was not offending anyone by doing so.
Unconditional Love
I've committed to a new practice to keep myself from falling into this verbal trap. Every time my instincts scream for an apology, I turn to gratitude instead. Apologies evoke negativity; gratitude is the antithesis of this. "Thank you", with eye contact and intention, is a powerful statement. It is an acknowledgement of what you have received from a person or situation. It drenches our relationships in positivity and allows us to maintain our self- worth. So let's spread this attitude of gratitude, shall we? Let's reclaim our choices and our space, and allow others to do the same.
