I suffered from anorexia until I was 21. I am 5’9. I was 100 lbs, when I decided enough was enough. At 22, I am 132 lbs and free. So many people struggle with eating disorders, exercise addictions, and generally hating their bodies. Recovery is different for everyone, but I wanted to write about what actually helped me.
I Was Done Being Sick
I’d lose my period for 6 months to a year, my hair started falling out, I was constipated like mad, my stomach hurt, my blood pressure was scarily low and no matter how much sleep I got, I was always tired. After several visits to the ER and seeing multiple doctors, I was over it. Being malnourished for years, causes the body to fall apart. There can be lifelong issues. I wanted a body that actually functioned again. This motivated me to recover.
I Let Go of Rules
If you’ve struggled with anorexia, you know how it goes. There is a rule for everything. Cut everything in half and then cut it in half again. If you eat, you must exercise. No going out to eat, because you don’t know how many calories are in food. Absolutely no sugar. No carbs. No going for seconds. Drink as much water as you can before you eat and so on.
I wanted to get better. So I slowly learned to let it go; I stopped following rules, ditched weight gain goals, and stopped restricting myself. I wouldn’t binge, I simply ate until I felt satisfied.
I Ditched the Scale
Scales are satan. Stepping on the scale used to be a part of my daily routine. Watching the numbers go down, brought me a deep source of comfort. When I was trying to gain weight, seeing the numbers go up was horrifying and made me want to lose weight again. It was discouraging. So I got rid of it.
I Ate Food with My Friends Again
Having anorexia was extremely isolating. I didn’t like eating around people, because I didn’t want to deal with “wow, that’s all you’re eating,” or the looks of concern from my friends. So I would cook and eat alone. I forgot how fun it was to share the experience of good food with people. Enjoying smooth and creamy, hazelnut, gelato or thick Udon noodles with my amigos... There was so much I had missed out on. Food became a way to connect again.
I Built Muscle
Anorexia makes you so weak. Traveling and going on adventures is hard, because even a light walk can leave you winded. I wanted to be strong, so I could actually do things. Additionally, knowing that I had to gain weight in order to build muscle really helped to shift my mentality. Going to the gym regularly and lifting, made me feel like Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. It empowered me.
I Saw My Body as a Story
I realized that my body is a physical story, speaking to everything I’ve done. When I harm my body, it responds. When I don’t feed or treat it well, it suffers. The story can be rewritten though and healing can happen with time. My entire life, my body will be with me. I want to be gracious towards it and take care of it. I want to live in a way that celebrates life and this starts with honoring my body.
