My response to trauma, the end of relationships and dead dreams, has been strangely flat. Emotions look different on everyone, sure. Still, ignoring pain and leaping to distraction isn’t healthy. Walking alongside sadness is good. I don’t want to run away anymore. Here’s an excerpt, in response to recent events...
Waking up and making myself eggs with a banana, at 7 am. Some Coldplay, Gregory Alan Isakov and Regina Spektor to set the mood. Staring out of the window at lunch, writing lists, cutting onions for fajitas and trying to connect with the tears that fall. On the list, emotions are bullet points with three, little dashes underneath of more details.
Calling Elyssa, talking to my friends, and the rest of my family. Driving to Kara’s and starting an emotions collage. Pausing to realize I am actually sad. Setting a timer to experience this. Accepting the fog that will hang around for a few months. Asking why. Why do I feel cynical? Why am I not folding my clothes? Why am I laughing so hard right now?
Refusing to deal with pain and emotions, has created a loop of instability for me. I ignore them, but they build like an Atlantic tidal wave. And then I run, because what else? Part of this has been observing other people victimize themselves according to the emotions they feel. Their emotions become a prison they can’t escape. I don’t want to be like that. I want to be reasonable. I want to be self-controlled.
Avoiding emotions, isn’t any better though. They still have power over you. Not responding to them, is still responding to them. Not feeling doesn’t make anyone more rational… You’re feeling something, it’s just something warped. A mask of an emotion instead of the real one. Far more convoluted and strange.
I’m not a baby for being sad. I’m not a stupid girl. I’m not a victim.
It’s okay, that I’m not okay.
Berth - Gregory Alan Isakov
O - Coldplay
Apres Moi - Regina Spektor
