14d 22h 43m Saved $66.98
Gums & Teeth: 100% Breathing: 97%
Energy Levels: 97% Cigarettes smoked: about 70 out of 280
I can't quite call myself smoke free. I'm currently working on reprogramming my subconscious on smoking and at the same time refraining from smoking. I think I need to set an official quit date. The questions I keep running through is how long should reprogramming take? The programming itself has been going for 28 years. What route should I consider? I know patches and gum have never worked for me in the past. The one time I quite for a year it was cold turkey. I also vaped for a year and a half. I'm aware that it's simply trading one addiction for another and my goal is to be independent and free from any outside substances. I may give in and get a vape, since that is healthier than smoking, but I'm not sure if I can call that a success. I've also done wellbutrin, It kind of worked, but it made me feel strange and inhuman. I crave smokes less and less everyday, but my motivation to completely rid myself of smoking is lacking. What do you think? Please comment below.
I've noticed something about myself lately that I don't fully understand and I'm going to start analyzing it. I love everyone. I don't love some actions, but I strive to understand everything and everyone. I attempt to use compassion for anyone. I'm actually decent at this. I personal believe that if we use compassion we can get to the root causes of negative actions and cure society of these problems. Punishing, locking up or killing the culprit is simply a treatment of a symptom. Let's find a cure.
I have a great example of compassion helping a situation. Yesterday there was an older much bigger child bullying my youngest at the park. My youngest came over crying to me. I comforted and validated him and held him. I noticed that my oldest was arguing with the child that was torturing my youngest. When he pushed my oldest I ran over to intervene before it turned into a fight. I got between the two. The bully was shaking. You could tell he was expecting to be berated or hit. My blood was pumping and I had anger, but then I saw this little boy's innocent face and the fear behind his eyes. I asked, "Why are you hurting my kids" in a calm voice. After he said "I don't know" I felt his pain and realized compassion was better suited for this situation. "Are you okay?" I asked. He looked at me puzzled "YES?". "My name is Jake. What's your" I asked as I reached both hands out to shake his hand? He told me his name and shook my hand. The situation was handled and the boy was calmed and confused. He walked around for a bit feeling guilty. I walked away and noticed a little while later that he was standing by himself as my oldest and other kids sat together and chatted on a hilltop in the rays of the sunset. I walked up on the hill with my youngest in my arms and said hi. I then sat with my oldest and the other children and beckoned the bully to join us. He sat next to me and I asked him where he was from. He explained that he lived with his aunt and uncle. This is the moment I'm most proud of my oldest looked over at him with concern and said: "What happened to your parents". The bully said that his Mom and Dad were unable to take care of him, his brother and sister. My oldest than said "Oh, that's sad I'm so sorry". I got up and left my son had it at this point. The children all played together for the next half an hour until we left.
The issue I've been running into is finding compassion for self-righteous people. Ones that claim to be these amazing spiritual and/or religious leaders or that call themselves coaches and want to be paid tremendous amounts of money for it. I find it hard to find the connection between a leader or coach and self-boosting. If your actions and intentions are truly altruistic then you shouldn't have to boost and charge for your services. I understand that we all need to make a living, but this seems to bastardize or devalue what you are preaching and teaching. I believe this may be a projection of my inner self. I may have a distaste for my own philosophical boosting. In fact, I know I do. I have a difficult time not just blurting out my path on the correct path. I despise this weakness in me that I can't keep my mouth shut. The impatience I have to allow others to figure it out on their own. It's their path. Why do I feel like I need to play a role in them finding love from themselves? If I'm truly honest with myself, then I have to admit that I still require positive validation from outside sources.
Maybe what I dislike about these types of people is their ability to be sure of themselves. I may be jealous of their willingness to claim their power. I can say a lot of positive things about myself, but when I think to myself "You are powerful, wise and are meant for greatness" It fills me with a sickness. I feel like I'm lying. Is this born of fearing greatness or being powerful? I want to cry at the idea that I'm powerful and meant for greatness. Deep down I feel as if I have the ability to change the world in a profound way. If I could only get over my insecurity of being hated and my inability to let go of the negative people in my life. Even now I find it hard thinking about someone hating me. Where does this come from? There is no way I can please everyone. I'm going to be hated. I have no choice in that. Why am I attempting to please the few that hate me and ignoring the thousands that love me? Why am I allowing the haters or lovers to guide my path? This is my path. I need to stand and be unapologetic about who I am. I shouldn't need their praise or criticism. The only validation I need is my own. I need to stop questioning my thoughts and work toward my dreams. It may hurt some along the way. It may cause a lot of people to hate me and even more to love me. That isn't why I do it. It's not for them. It's for me. I want to see a brighter more beautiful world. Nothing should stand in my way. The only reason it can is that I allow it to.
I love you all
