Are cats really that great? - Comedy Open Mic Round 2

This is my entry for the Comedy Open Mic Round 2

Is your humor so dark, it still picks cotton?

No? OK, then you came to the right place. Although I really enjoy dark humor, I decided to go lighter for now and test the waters with time :)

So, let's start off with dead babies jokes... Relax... Chill... Put your SJW banners down, no dead baby jokes here. This post will have a story about a cat. A really mean cat. Don't have a picture, but it's close to this devil.

So, let me fill you in on some details first.

This took place about 4 years ago. My gf and I lived in a city about 1 and a half hours away from where my parents and sister were. Moy job required me to travel to my hometown on weekends about once a month, so when I was in town I slept in my old room.

Now than, there is this white evil cat in the house, and I am the only person she doesn't like. It must be because whenever I find her sleeping, I poke her with a finger, but that is beside the point. The cat was always trying to hide in weird places to scare me, but it had no effect on me because I watched so many horror movies in my life and on top of that my dad trying to scare me as a kid, that I got immune to most of the stuff. She figured out that it's not working, so she took it up a notch.

One day, everyone was asleep already, I just finished watching a horror movie, it was around 1 AM, so I decided to go to sleep. There is a big wardrobe close to my bed, but not tall enough to touch the ceiling. I get myself in the bed, placed my phone on the nightstand next to the lamp and turn the light off. Few minutes pass and I heard a rustling sound of a plastic bag, and right after that, there was this pressure on my chest... And No, it wasn't for me being scared. The fucking cat jumped from the wardrobe on top of me. I start swinging, the cat is panicking, I hear the lamp breaking on the floor. The only source of light in my proximity in a pitch dark room is gone.
I know what you are thinking just about now, " but you still have your phone"... Nop... The nightstand was empty. It went on the ground together with the lamp. I started cursing at this cat so much, that PETA could get involved for verbal abuse on animals. The only thing I could see was her eyes looking at me from the other side of the room. My dad heard all the yelling and came running to my room. As he opened the door, the cat was face slammed by it, making her bite my dad's leg on the way out. This night ended with my arm and my dad's leg bloody.

Hah, You think this is over? Far from it.

7 months have passed, and this time was my dad's birthday. My gf and I arrived a day earlier, to help prepare a bit for the next day. Before going to sleep, we decided to watch a movie, a horror movie. The cat was sleeping on the couch, and as the movie progressed my gf got really into it. The movie was very suspenseful, and when I poured myself the last drop of juice, a thought crossed my mind, "what would happen if I squeeze this bottle really fast and make a loud sound?". Well, It was followed by my gf scream, a punch in my shoulder, cat jumping a meter high and running across the small table, spilling my drink.

Next day, is the birthday party. Obviously, I told my dad what happened the night before, so we get a little laugh out of it. It was close to midnight already, my gf was tired so she decided to go to sleep.
It wasn't more than 20min when we hear loud screaming coming from my room. Yeah... You guessed it. The cat jumped from the wardrobe on to my gf. I believe it was waiting for me, because of the scare the night before. At the moment of the scream, I looked at my dad, and he starts laughing because we both knew what just happened.
Me having 1 glass of wine too many, forgot the cat would be behind the door like last time. I ended up face slamming the cat with the door, followed by her bitting me in the leg. I see the broken lamp, my gf crying on the bed with a scratched arm, and I ended up laughing at the situation. She didn't find it funny this time around when it happened to her.

Should there be a moral to this story? Yea...
Don't get a cat. It will cost you 2 lamps and 2 light bulbs.

( I tried to write it as short as possible, so it doesn't drag out too much. )

I heard roasting judges is a fun way to lose a contest. Let's start with

@take5
Is this your 5th (take) time trying to make your account funny? Your bio is empty because you are probably just passing by and we are soon going to see take6.