The reason I would kill myself,
Is to stop myself,
From hurting myself.
The reason I don't kill myself,
Is to stop myself,
From hurting others.
Recognizing that I'm not who I have been trying to convince myself that I am causes me to panic. Fear of not becoming that person inhibits me from just being myself. It's easy to say just be yourself. But I can't do that knowing that this greater version of me could be.
I am ashamed of being a carpenter. It is not something that moves me. Others appreciating my talents as a carpenter insults me because I am so much more.
I am afraid that my understanding of how insignificant we all are, holds me back from my true potential. Furthermore the thought of being insignificant in the grand scheme of things gives me extreme anxiety.
I need to know that I will live forever. But I can't grasp what forever is. I just die inside everytime that I realize that one day I will no longer exist. I die inside thinking that I won't exist forever.
I violently curse anyone who has ever promoted religion. God is merely a subconscious existence. It is the universe and everything in it. It does not make decisions it just evolves. Micro organisms function on a plain of which I can't explain. These organisms make up who I am. So who is really doing all of the thinking?
Easily persuaded humans are lacking true intelligence. They are nothing more than unconscious cells in this thing called earth. Even though I can think for myself I am no greater than they are. So why do anything? Why should I give a fuck? Whether or not I become the next "Genghis Khan" is meaningless to humans 4 or 5 generations beyond any real memories of my being. His name amongst other dominant humans is remembered but does that mean anything to him now? No, because he is dead. He no longer exists...
Or does he?
Is the energy that made him still here? Is it spread amongst the human race? Does his "spirit" still exist? Does it crave the attention that it once had?
My being is a product of eternal evolution. Aside from our cells simply surviving, what is the purpose of the human race? Is our evolution related to the earth's ability to survive? Is the earth's evolution related to the sun's ability to survive? Furthermore the milky way, the universe and beyond. Where does it stop? What is existence?
When someone wants to die is it solely based on their comparison to others? If you hated yourself that much, what if I plucked you out of your environment and placed you in a new one with a clean slate? You likely would end up in the same position with the same feelings as before.
Unless, something inside of you changes.
Lucky for me I have people that I love dearly. I will not kill myself because it would hurt them.
In conclusion, if you think you have it in you to kill yourself think of this. Fuck it! Live like you don't care whether you live or die. Live like nothing truly matters. Experience things that make you a God. Completely subconscious of your existence. Get into flow state as much as possible. Approach that girl, be rejected, jump out of a plain, fight that person that pisses you off, go on stage and embarrass yourself, run down the street naked, get wasted and do dumb shit, make regrets, make pain, suffer, love, hate, hug a stranger, fuck hookers and do a bunch of cocaine!
In the end you will die anyway.
Thank you,
The Cryptocarpenter
