What good is your crypto?

Critics say cryptocurrency is only good for scams and speculation, but this is not true. Here are 10 real-life use cases for different cryptos. Even BCash.

Bitcoin. This coin is the daddy. You should own some because the banking system is run by asshats and they are stealthily taking all your money. They cannot take your bitcoins and if you get some now then in 10 years you will be a total baller like Jamie Dimon. Only not an asshat.

Ethereum. This coin is very very good for kittehs. You can make infinite kittehs, paying infinite transaction fees. Boom.

Litecoin. This one goes up and down. Sometimes Charlie Lee sells it all at the top and it goes down a lot. Later it will go up a lot again. It is like other cryptos in this regard, except it has Charlie Lee to sell it all.

Ripple. This is a very corporate and centralised coin. It is good for paying for coke and hookers. Not for you, but the bankers appreciate your donation.

Bitcoin Cash. This is a fork of Bitcoin and a useful coin to own if you are confined to your house for weeks on end in a snowstorm. The code and complete blockchain can be printed out and used in a personal hygiene capacity when you run out of paper. Be careful of paper cuts – they’re what Roger would want.

Binance Coin. This one only goes up. In a few years it will have consumed the entire global financial system and CZ will be Grand Emperor of the Galaxy. He will have a purple cloak with a badass collar and a laser gun and you will have to kneel before him and kiss his ring.

BCash SV. This is a copy of BCash that Craig once rubbed his wang all over. You should probably not touch it but it can still be printed and used as firelighters if handled with rubber gloves.

Doge. This coin is such crypto and very blockchain. It is also the first cryptocurrency to be made entirely from cheese. It can be eaten with chunks of pineapple on little sharp sticks that can be reused after the cocktail party as toothpicks.

Monero. This is a very secret coin and excellent for darkweb purchases of illegal goods like guns, drugs and lobster-themed pornography. Botnets like to mine it so it is even better if your central heating breaks down in winter because your CPU will go into overdrive, keeping your house nice and toasty warm.

Tether. This is similar to the US dollar but has few of the advantages, like stability. It is backed by some dollars, and some debts, and some other assets like Giancarlo Devasini’s shoes and the contents of Bitfinex’s fridge.

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