There is a bittersweet ache in finding something beautiful and realizing you are too afraid to hold it. When a light finally enters a life that has been defined by shadows, the first instinct isn't always joy. Sometimes, it is a paralyzing fear. You worry that your own brokenness will dim its glow, or that the weight of your past will eventually tarnish its perfection. Out of a strange kind of love, you choose to walk away, convinced that letting go is the only way to keep that light pure, even while your heart quietly refuses to leave. ***

The Mercy of a Distance

I found a diamond in a field of glass,
And watched the light within it softly pass.
It reached for me with fingers warm and bright,
The first true morning after years of night.

My soul is bound by debts I cannot pay,
By ghosts of who I was just yesterday.
I fear my heavy heart and troubled past,
Will break the peace that you have finally cast.

I love you with a courage born of grief,
A desperate soul in search of some relief.
But I would rather lose you to the sky,
Than watch your inner sparkle fade and die.

So I retreat, I fold, I turn away,
To keep your golden spirit from the gray.
I tell the world I’m better off alone,
While keeping every memory I’ve known.

My hands are empty, but my heart is full,
Still reeling from that soft, magnetic pull.
I’ve let you go to keep your spirit bright,
While holding you in secret every night. *** It is a lonely sacrifice to protect something by leaving it behind. I hope that by choosing this distance, I am giving that happiness the chance to remain untainted by the ghosts I still carry. Even if I am the only one who knows the truth, I will continue to love it from afar, finding a quiet peace in knowing that its shine remains perfect, even if it is no longer mine to touch.

Mother of mercy