As I was listening to a podcast the last words of the guest really got me thinking: if she would have to make an universal law that everyone should obey, it would be that all adults must do some serious inner work before conceiving. Not everyone should make a child. Before all human rights' defenders jump in, I would just sit still and analyse the statement. If you would have to find reasons why YOU should not conceive a child now, would you be honest with yourself and dig deep for the truth?
First of all, were you a happy child? Did you see your parents hug and kiss each other with love and compassion? As adults we replicate what we see and attachment styles are being passed down from generation to generation. I have seen cases when adults sadly noticed that their parents never showed signs of love between each other and it was like they were sitting in a dead marriage for the sake of the kids or for the common expenses. Of course that not all adults replicate that and some might prove to be quite the opposite in order to not repeat the same mistakes, but how often does that happen? I have seen this in the families of my former partners, few signs of affection and unhappy mothers create the most trouble in a couple's life. It is like they know they were never happy so why should you have it all good? And it is all happening subconsciously.
Look at your father's emotional pattern and then notice yourself: have you been any different towards women? Look at your mother and do the same. Self analysis is crucial in managing the inner world and we are responsible for doing the work.
I do not believe that a child can change a man or a woman if they do not want to change themselves. A child puts pressure on the relationship and tests it in the most difficult ways. If the partners are not forged before this, parenting will be quite a troubling experience to handle. Mothers who are trapped in a bad relationship with the father will never be emotionally available to their kids. You can recognize these kids as adults, as they never really separate from their mother, looking for her approval even if they are adults. They remain in a child like emotional state, always seeking the comfort their mother never could provide. The umbilical cord is still there although it should have been cut long time ago.
I believe that there are some situations when conceiving would be a big mistake. From an emotional and psychological point of view, the chances of that child being happy are not the best.
1.You are an emotional/physical mess
When there are demons that you haven't fought and made peace with, you should not consider kids. Behavioral problems, such as verbal or physical violence, should be addresed. Drug or alcohol abuse as well. Are you swimming in debt? Then learn how to handle your finances better and change your spending habits. If you have issues with your parents and have a hard time opening up and having discussions, how on Earth will you deal with a fragile creature like a child? Problems from the past, bad friendships, setting boundaries are all important as they have an impact on you as a person. Too many people hope that a child will miraculously put a healing patch on their wounds. Wrong. You are responsible for your own mess and healing. Don't expect anyone to do the work for you while you sit and whine that life was hard. Hard life is not an excuse for mediocrity and settling with anything. Great leaders came from dirt and have fewer excuses than those who whined that "life was hard". Do the inner work and figure it out. Commit to self discipline and change yourself or swallow regret.
2.Your partner is emotionally unavailable and you are in a situationship
There are some cases when one of the partners desperately wants the other to change. And some believe that having a child will turn the ship around. This is one of the biggest mistakes as the cases when the partner genuinely changes are rare. If your man is not available to talk nicely to you, soothe you and be emotionally there for you now, it will be worse after. Kids don't save sinking relationships. You should have a child when you know that your partner is capable of being there, when he /she has proven that they can handle discussions. A child needs happy parents. Parents who love each other and are in a relationship because it was a choice, not a desperate last call. Unfortunately, too many settle. This might be my last chance, I am too old, biological clock ticking, parents pressure me etc. Situationships happen when one of them won't commit. They just want to let it flow and just carpe diem. If this person does not see your value now and is ok without commitment for years, then they are not suitable for becoming parents. A reliable partner will want marriage, commitment and will happily adhere to a serious relationship. Situationships are for those who haven't figured out what they want in life and they want to drag you down with them. Why add an innocent life to this? It would not be fair and mature. Be in a secure, happy and commited relationship where the partner has proven his/her character before conceiving.
3.Your are not independent and self aware
If you are in your 30's or 40's and still have to go daily to your parents' house to eat and they do your laundry, something is not right. You have built a bad habit. Being capable to cook for yourself daily, clean after yourself and hold a household on your own is important. It raises your self esteem to be able to look after yourself without outside help. It boosts your confidence and makes you feel proud of yourself. The way you handle your money is crucial when a child comes into the world. If you are not capable to feed yourself, this should be a warning signal. A parent should be capable of handling finances and provide for their family. They should not rely solely on external help. I have seen too many adults dropping their kids as packages in their grandparents' lap and deal with life as usual. This is not ok. If you have decided to have a baby, it is your responsibility to nurture and take care of him. Grandparents should enjoy them in visits, not becoming mom2 and dad2 daily. The child needs their parents.
Conceiving with the wrong partner is like spreading generational trauma and perpetuating the wounds your parents created to you. It is not fair and it is an act of selfishness. A child is not a fun toy, a means of controlling the other or a way to look good in society. A child does not cure you of your loneliness and insecurities.
A child is a divine gift, a sacred little creature that deserves the best version of their parents. I believe that indeed there should be a law guiding people towards personal change before having a child. It would change the world into a better place as your own happiness is a gift to your child. Bad parents are not bad people, it is only that they have grown in an environment themselves where they could not see any better. The most important thing is to realize that you do not want to be the same and be ready to make the changes in order to break free from the generational trauma. For you, for your kids.