I wish I would have read this book sooner. It would have changed the dynamics of my relationships enormously. I have not had many, just 3. But they all failed. A 8 year old relationship, and 2 relationships of 1 year old. 10 years of getting it all wrong. Third time is a charm is a myth. But it's never too late to search for a partner. The five languages of love by Gary Chapman FUNDAMENTALLY changed how I see NOW love. It is like a curtain lifted from my eyes and now I can see things so much clearer. This book should be a mandatory read for people who want to get into a healthy relationship or want to get married. I am sure of one thing:my future partner will definetely read this and any book that I give him to read(I will explain later why) 馃槉
The idea behind the book is:there are five primary love languages. We have them all, but how we express love and want to be loved is ruled by the primary one. The number one in the list. The five languages are:declarations, quality time, gifts, acts of service, physical connection. Which one is yours... That is tricky to find out.
The majority of couples that encounter issues has this problem:they speak different languages. It is not that they don't love each other, it is that they are communicating it all wrong. A person that loves gifts and is receiving only declarations will soon feel frustrated and unloved. When we no longer feel loved, our emotional "tank" aka reservoire, as Chapman calls is, gets empty. When we have our tank empty we turn bitter, cold, mean or even violent. We learn the love language from our parents and we replicate it towards our partner thinking this is the way to show them we love them. Wrong. You need to learn the language of your partner and express love the way they need it. Women cook for men thinking this is how love is showed. Not all men need this. Some might value gifts or physical connection more than acts of service (cooking).
An important aspect which happens often is the mockery. When a partner diminishes your needs and qualifies them as being absurd. A different love language is not absurd and me/you having different needs is normal and fair. If little things like doing groceries or washing the dishes makes your partner feel loved, do them! Don't ridicule their needs! I was once told that I should not look at the partner according to what I do or he does for me. Wrong! After I have read this I managed to find my primary love language:acts of service. Followed by quality time on second place. When I ask someone to do something for me and they don't do it or fail to deliver their promises, I take it as a lack of love. So simple! Quality time is not hanging around my presence while scrolling down on your phone. No. Quality time is full attention towards me. Having a conversation without devices around us. Enjoying a walk in the park or going somewhere without the first gesture being to capture photos for your social media. One on one quality moments. Creating memories. What memories do you create while sitting on couch staring at TV? None. How do you give me quality time when it takes less than 5 minutes of talk until you feel the urge to check your phone in front of me? I perceive it as a lack of love and respect.
We learn love languages from our parents. If we saw mother cooking and father being happy, we will most likely do that towards our partner. How can you find your love language? I speak about it in my 2 hours long video which I recommend watching. To tell you short, what you demanded constantly and often from your partner and you did not get it, that is probably your primary love language. What you did towards your partner as loving gestures and to express love and you got ignored, that is probably your love language.What you do for others is usually what you want to have it done for yourself too. But in order to receive it you have to speak out. Lovers can't read your mind.
I know I learned to like acts of service and quality time from my grandmother. She always did her best to do what I asked her with no procrastinating and she always gave me quality conversations.When you receive what you need you feel loved. And feeling loved is what we all want. So yes, next time I will ask a guy to read books, because I want to talk about them with him, he will do it.Next time when I ask anything that would make me feel loved, he will do it. No postponing, no excuses, no ridicule. And I will return the favour. Speaking love languages goes both ways. Because love demands an effort. It is an act of service, it is not absurd, and the person that commits to loving you in a mature kind way will perceive your needs as necessary because love is an act. Telling" I love you" is a declaration, and for people whose love language is not this, it needs to be backed up by acts of service, gifts, quality time or physical connection. Love is like a program. If you keep on introducing the wrong data(wrong love language) it will never work. No matter how often you change partners. Learning to understand the language of your loved one is what will make the program work.
A must read if you experienced, like me, failed relationships or if simply you want to improve an already good relationship/marriage.
Watch my 2hr video talking about this book on my twitch channel!
Have a day full of love and toodle loo!
P. S. If you have a loved one, make a little surprise gesture of love towards them today. Today ain't no special occasion, but showing love doesn't need special dates馃槉
