Our brain likes familiarity. A lot. While listening to a podcast where the topic was the traumas from our childhood, I couldn't help not to wonder how come people don't realize how their own patterns of thinking brought them in a place of pain. Just like in a puzzle, the final image doesn't change unless we change the pieces. But somehow we always end up surprised by the same endings. We change the people but the grand finale remains the same. Everytime. Why?
We learn attachment very early on in our relationship with our caregivers. If we felt abandoned, we are going to recreate the feeling in the romantic life. For example, a man will most likely sabotage a good relationship only to end up how he always believed he will be: alone, with no one sticking around. That feeling of abandonment from early childhood triggers many things and makes us prone to pick the partners who will strike the familiarity chord. This is the same reason why women can choose emotionally cold partners, unresponsive, unreliable and unpredictable. If they were used to a cold dad, who was never there, they learned to fight for any signs of love, usually leading them to frustration and resentment. There are three attachment styles and way too many people do not know how a secure way of loving feels. Too many do not know how healthy love feels like. The kind of love that you don't have to beg for and accept the unacceptable. The kind of love which feels safe and soothing. A lover who can listen and understand you. Sounds like science fiction, right?
Healthy loving relationships will take us in a place of vulnerability. Those who have issues with opening up due to childhood trauma will always run before things get too deep. Vulnerability demands self awareness and an ability to cope with emotions. If nobody taught that person as a child to speak about what he/she feels, adulthood will be tough. Romantic relationships will be pain. How can we override our emotional code and choose the right people in our life?
First of all we all need to do our own digging in the family yard. We need to understand what our mother and father did not provide and have conversations about it. There are many adults who think that their childhood must have been horrible if the word trauma is included. But you don't need a horrible family to have trauma, in many cases most parents were clueless about the damage they did to their kids. Talking about it and understanding the roots of your attachment style can help a lot. We can't pick our parents, but we have the power the select the partner with whom we ourselves will test parenthood.
Second of all we need to constantly observe what triggers us and understand the cause. We need to observe why we feel attracted to a certain person and take small steps to modify our emotional world. Relationships are always a challenge but with the right emotional baggage it can become a beautiful journey as soon as we understand that both people come with a painful past eager to be healed. We can't heal wounds unless we expose them to the light. Light is communication, respect, vulnerability and willingness to step into your own world so you can make sense of the others'. If you can understand your own pain and heal it, you will most likely be able to see the pain of the other. Because in the end, behind the adult facade, there is always that small inner child hiding, wanting to be heard. Sing him love, so he could come out and embrace it.
Have a blessed day and toodle loo!