I always noticed that when there is a great capture to be taken I do not have my Fuji with me. So I use my phone and rapidly move into action in order to get the image.
I see my passion for photography mostly as an outlet for my feelings and emotions that I cannot express verbally. An image can say a thousand words and I believe that the particular style of the photographer can say a lot about their personality and what they feel inside.
I feel black and grey. Rarely I capture colors. I like a good autumn. I love spring and mostly winter. But what I feel it describes my inner world the best is FOG.
There is a wonderful lake near the tattoo shop with swans , ducks and other wildlife. Early in the morning I go there to gather my thoughts. When it gets super foggy the atmosphere is eerie. For me it feels like a fairytale, it brings me joy , awe, but also a feeling of melancholy.
I have found myself in some occasions missing something or someone. I wondered why I felt that as I mostly went through all ordeals alone, helping myself. Why would you miss something when you are complete because you went through stuff alone? I pondered.
I looked at the fog. The simplicity of a landscape which was once complete made me realize that I can miss an idea, a thought, a good memory. It is just a thought and when I get really centered I can see the reality of the complete picture, the things that were not good. I realized I idealize and miss because I wish it would have been different. But it was not.
I am proud of myself for where I am now. I look back and I had so much courage. I have pangs of sadness though thinking of how lovely it would have been to share this new journey with someone. But I guess that inovators, true road openers , were mostly alone in their endeavours as they were thought to be crazy, too bold, too daring. I remember when I lived at the salon and I was mocked for dreaming to have a place of my own. I felt more like a loser, crying alone in that back room, thinking of how I will never escape out of it. I was depressed and only art, faith and discovering Hive helped me out mentally. When I got my place, the same people who mocked and ridiculed me congratulated me.....sad and yet this can be human nature. From that experience I learned that we should all be so gentle with a human soul because you never know how much damage your mockery can do to somebody else who is struggling with demons you have no clue about. I can now understand this better as it was done to me and I did it to others before I became self aware.
I stare at the fog again. The lake. The swans. The wildlife. I am drawn to it. The feeling that I get is that nothing is permanent. That just like the fog, some thoughts come and go. And you can decide to linger , to stay in the pain, or to soon realize that you have to wake up from a dream. I can't help but thinking of that song Dreams...Nuages...it matches exactly to what I feel.
There is a bird at this lake which drew my attention. It sits in the same spot without moving . Each morning she is there. Stuck. Like in a painting. It made me wonder how many of us are like this: stuck in a place or in a mindset. Feeling comfortable. Not moving. Not changing. Just sitting there in a spot. When there is an entire lake to explore. I really have to capture this bird with my Fuji as it is something cinematic about the whole landscape of this particular setting.
After unpacking and settling in my place I was relieved to see my baby orchid surviving. It has become my little pet. When I wake up in the morning I wish her a good morning too . Yes, artists can be weird.
It feels good to finally have some sense of balance in my life and that I head into the right direction professionally. I still feel that I have a lot to grow on a personal level and I smile looking back at the old version of myself realizing how much I needed to learn to love myself in order to attract people who would genuinely treat me right and value my presence in their life. I want to feel that I truly matter for someone, that I am genuinely loved , respected and cared for. Meanwhile I use my time drawing, trying to get my art out there and enjoying nature and of course tattoing practice.
Maybe it is good that I am alone in this journey as I get more time to grow spiritually and meet new people who would show me parts of me I still do not know.Just like the fog, the hidden landscape is in a background I cannot see yet....
