A BALANCED PERSONALITY PART 2: LIVING IN DARKNESS

creatingkj(34)

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2017-08-20 21:28

Finding a balance between the “dark” and “light” aspects of your personality can be a struggle. In Part 1 I talked about how being unbalanced toward light was a problem. But being unbalanced toward dark can be an issue too.

WHY DARKNESS?

Most people equate “light” with happy so why choose dark?
After dealing with a lot of negative things in my life, I saw the “light” aspects of my personality and happiness as something unattainable. I could never have it so I discounted any positive feelings and thoughts - positive thoughts were “pollyanna-ish" and just a fake attempt at happiness. They wouldn’t last and probably weren’t real anyway. If someone said, “I love you” my head filled in “. . .until you don’t anymore.”

A WORLD OF HATE

I had a lot of “negative” emotions, and I went with them completely. I was selfish. I didn’t like people, and didn’t care if I hurt them. I was continually angry and hated the world. The people I was around didn’t want to be around me for the right reasons, and I don’t think any of them really cared about me. I didn’t feel good about things in my life and was unhappy.

Yet, somehow, choosing the dark was comforting. I think I embraced the dark because wallowing in the “bad” feelings to somehow helped me identify with myself and feel okay about the things that I felt powerless to change. Being unbalanced toward dark hurt, but I convinced myself that I was okay with that, and changed my view of the world so I was. I felt safe denying anything positive because it protected me from how much it hurts when you loose someone or something. But I hated everything, and I hated myself.

Clearly, dark wasn’t a good place to be.

@creatingkj