All weekend. All. Weekend.
There was a sense of something wrong and heavy in my core being accompanied by vertigo, fatigue and the sound of blood pumping through my heart in my ears. I was worried, because I'm not 29 anymore. Heck, I'm not 49 anymore. I'm way closer to 59. In fact, I'll be blowing out 58 candles on my cake this trip around the sun in June. I smoke two or three cigarettes a day (yes, I know, I 'could' quit, but this isn't a non-smoking temple) and lord knows I love my salty snacks. I'm not overweight by too much, and I do yoga, but I wondered. Was this a sign of impending bodily doom? I have M.E. -- it's that weird thing that no one can really pronounce called Myalgic Encephalomyelitis which is a nice way of saying, "We have no clue what is going on with you, but we'll keep trying to nail it."
There's no real family history for me to associate because I was adopted at six weeks old. I can't look at a mother or father with heart issues, let alone ancestry, so it's just me and my prayers. And intuition. So, I 'asked' my team (what I call my committee of guardian angels and advisors) if I needed to go to the hospital. I had a near death experience in August of 2021 because of COVID, and it wasn't my first time taking a peek at the Pearly Gates either, although it was quite a bit different than the other two "closing time" moments. In any case, the short answer from Team Sarah was "no".
Every once in a while, I argue with The Divine, but this time I said, "Fine, but if this continues, I don't want to be the cause of anyone saying, "I told you not to be a woo-woo whack job" if I land in the E.R." There was a mutual understanding between me and the other Big Guy in my life. Not @Denmarkguy, but G0d.
In fact, here's a little piece of A.I. art that I created called "Arguing with G*d"
(talk amongst yourselves, I'll give you a few minutes, it's really quite deep)
I went to bed a bit earlier than usual to read a little before I snuggled down. Then it hit me again. Not the fatigue or the dizziness or drums in my ears, but something else I didn't bring up in my first paragraph. Sadness.
Such surrendering sadness. My eyes watered. Oh, they'd been bothering me too. My eyes.
As if I had more than just cat hair or my common allergies to contend with, almost like walking through a dust storm.
This time, though, I just wept.
Every so often I just cry. As a trauma recovery specialist and a Jungian Analyst, I'm the world's most skeptical psychic, but I cannot deny the stunning gifts I have. It's more than empathy or pattern recognition. When the police contact me and those like me for various cases, they don't call us psychics, by the way. We're called "Expert Consultants". This expert will occasionally burst into tears just sitting at a red light for no reason at all. No, it's not trauma dissociation, emotional transfer or projection. I'm feeling something. From someone. Somewhere. And so these are the moments I'll just pull over and pray. I don't need to know the details, but someone, somewhere, is asking for help and I got the message.
(I have a thing for creating what I'm thinking using A.I., so yes, this is another one of my weird pieces)
Moving on from red light moments and back to last night sitting up in bed sniffling, I woke up this morning feeling less like a fifty ton weight was on my head, and the brain fog had lifted some. This was a good thing because if I was going to get knocked off course by a flare of my M.E. or worse, this was a bad week for it.
There are times I say "if only we could plan our tragic moments in life, things would be so much better." The Big Guy and I have next weekend at a great venue to sell Alchemy Stones and my Faery Howse goodies, so we had decided to go to the Big City of Sequim (it's not, but we call it that because we live in a small village on the tip of the Puget Sound, so going anywhere is a trot for sure) today and pick up a couple of folding tables of our own to display our treasures.
We had a lovely afternoon, and as you can see, I was enchanted by a pack of croissants that I planned to share with a neighbor. As we drove home I was gazing at the gorgeous golden sunset feeling glad to be alive and then my phone rang. I have a friend who has family in Turkey.
You can imagine, I think, what the conversation was about, but what really snuck in and hit me was her commentary regarding "How could any of us know?"
Indeed, how could any of us know?
I thought about how my pounding, blood rushing to my head and ears felt. Tried to find something that I could compare it to. I've felt it twice. Both times I thought I was going to die, both times car accidents. It was fear. Pure fear. I thought of how sad I felt, and that too, was a personal grief. I sat inside a moment of guilt, just a moment. It's not as though I could stop an earthquake, so even if I'd been smart enough to ask Team Sarah "What the heck is this, then?" it wouldn't do any good to know.
The Big Guy and I have been quiet most of the evening. We sat together and prayed for our friend and her family. We sent out messages across our various small community of healers and sensitives. Then, over dinner he said, "I was feeling tired, nauseated and dizzy over the weekend too. I even had that heart pumping in my ears. When you said you were dizzy last night? I began wondering if we had a carbon monoxide leak or something else going on. But it's this. We were feeling this impending sense of doom from this." And he's right. We are really all connected. Whether you know it or not. Some of us have our ears closer to the ground, though. I can't explain it, although I could psychoanalyze the ways of the universe I suppose. It is, after all, explained through energy, frequency and vibration. Thank you, Tesla. (Not the car, the scientist).
I'm going to send those Valentines I say I'm going to send every year. Tomorrow they'll go into the mail and they will sail off on the wings of prayers, and love. Cherish every day, because you really cannot plan your tragedies.
Thank you for reading, please share your thoughts because I love comments and then take a minute to look at the community of #Silverbloggers and join us if you think you qualify. (If you think you qualify, you probably do!)
