I strive for my parents' approval and to make them proud of me.
I work all day and cry all night in the hopes of receiving just one smile.
What they think of me is extremely important. I yearn for freedom, for not having to worry about what they think of me, for not having to rely on their approval. But for the time being, it's my will to live that serves as my motivation.
My father has always sat me down and engaged me in lengthy discussions about ourselves, the world, and our lives. We both despise being reliant on things and are pretty proud of ourselves, but we reveal our problems to one other. All of our problems, but never our happiness.
My mother is a safe haven for me, a place where I can cry and love and express all of my emotions and happiness. She always delivers the most heartfelt hugs, yet she struggles to articulate herself.
My sad, lonely father, who scolds us with a smile and a warning and tells us he loves us with a sorrowful expression, sat down with me and talked a few months ago. I told him how stupid I felt all the time and how much more stupid I was than my sisters. I apologized for disappointing you.
I expected him to smile and say that I wasn't a failure and that it was fine that I didn't receive high grades. He, on the other hand, startled me.
"Lori, you're the wisest of them all, I've always thought so," he remarked with a small smile. Yes, your sisters have a reputation for being intelligent. They chose careers as scientists and thinkers. But you're odd and wonderful, and you have this... this intelligence and wisdom that occasionally astounds me."
I was depressed this morning. Very depressing. Not only is it depressing... I had given up hope. I was sobbing in front of my mother, muttering incomprehensible things as I pleaded with her to pardon me for not being good enough, to spare me punishment. I assured her I was brilliant, and I apologized profusely for everything. That I was aware of my identity and wanted her to be proud of me.
"You're smarter than they are," my mother, who is good with embraces but not words, remarked with a smile as tears streamed down my cheeks. Don't tell anyone, but I believe you are the most intelligent person I've ever met. Your older sister has the ability to talk herself out of any situation. Your younger sister puts in more effort than the two of you put in together. But you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, You are an astute individual. I think you're a little too smart at times."
“I love you, lori.”
“I love you, lori.”
And that is all I’ve ever wanted to hear. All I could possibly desire. Maybe it won’t last, maybe the feeling of stupidity will return, but for now, I’m happy. I feel okay, for once. Like maybe I can do this whole life thing. Maybe it isn’t too hard.
The most beautiful thing.